Network Omni News

Aramanthus · Unread post by **Aramanthus** » Wed Jun 28, 2006 11:36 pm

ROFLMAO

Reddenedone · Unread post by **Reddenedone** » Wed Jun 28, 2006 11:58 pm

I would LOVE to see that. Looks like I'm going to have to support another Evil Empire, but this time, it will be televised.

Alpha 11 · Unread post by **Alpha 11** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 12:26 am

LOL! LOL! I CANNOT get enough of this! :lol:

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 7:09 pm

Network Omni Newsflash
Dateline: 6/290800/316346

Network News Reporters Survive Compaction, Make Recordbooks!
-Center, Phaseworld, Corkscrew Galaxy. Intrepid Network Omni News reporters Hatha Khan and Sebec Regolar became news themselves when they were discovered outside the High Promethean Temple effectively compacted into 6 inch cubes, while still remaining conscious, a condition generally regarded as impossible for sentients in what is usually considered a fatal condition(dynamic physical compaction). Hatha Khan, a veteran Kittani news reporter, and Sebec Regolar, another seasoned veteran, and former Splugorth Slaver who quite his previous activities to serve as Khan's cameraman, were apparently attempting to do an indepth interview of Prometheans about to Ascend to Second Stage, when Temple staff strenuously objected to their presence on Temple grounds.
"Drangnabit, but those guys can hit!" Khan attested from the comfort of a regeneration tank. "We were just serving the public's desire to know when these acolytes...polite big guys at first...just sucked us in and STOMPED our ^&*&&*(&(*!!!"
Despite having their bodies and their equipment(Serpent Power Armor and modified Slaver Barge respectively) crunched into six-inch cubes, Hatha Khan was able to get one finger loose, and Sebec was able to get his tongue out, and both managed to crawl outside and down the Temple steps, where Sebec's Altaran intern found them, and rushed them to Network Omni News studio facilities to medical attention and hear their stories.
"I'd like to say we got some incredible footage of a mob of Prometheans in full-blown berserker mode, but I think my corder-disc is lodged somewhere in my tertiary spleen, which the doctors say is currently inaccessible." Sebec volunteered from his recuperation web.
The Promethean High Council has denied any knowledge of the incident, but repeated a warning that the Temple of Ascension is off-limits to casual visitation, and that those who trespass on its grounds do so at their own peril.
Despite being unable to document their interaction with the Promethean Ascensionhood, both Hatha and Sebec have made their way into the history books for Greatest Degree of Physical Compaction Via Non-Magical Means, While Retaining Working Physical Integrity(according to Zarxos' Datalog of Galactic Records). Both Hatha and Sebec pledge, once they are recovered, to return to work as reporters. "Punch us, kick us, burn us, crunch us, space us...we're going to get the story!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 7:15 pm

reddenedone wrote:I would LOVE to see that. Looks like I'm going to have to support another Evil Empire, but this time, it will be televised.

"How can you say we have acheived galactic domination when those reporters from Network Omni News haven't arrived to do a scathing expose on our nefarious activities, insidious sentient rights record, and savage social policies!!??? Go out there, you stupid lackies, and do something so atrocious it will get front page headline!
EVEN THAT WHINING BEDWETTER GENERAL MALGORPHIOUS GOT MENTION AS A 'BLOODTHIRSTY PAPERHANGER WITH DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR'!!!! I RATE AS LEAST A "RAMPAGING MONSTER!!! GO! GO! AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL I'VE GOTTEN SOME BAD PRESS!!!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 7:19 pm

Ad: Network Omni News---Your Insider Source For the Hottest News in the Three Galaxies;
(videofeed of utter total blackness)
"Hello, this is Zorca Leechbaum, Vermiform Reporter for NON, reporting from inside the lower intestine of Styphon of Dragonwright...."

Aramanthus · Unread post by **Aramanthus** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 7:33 pm

Viewers of the Omni news flash......

Viewer 1: Hey Honey! Guess what the news just said?

Viewer 2 (From another room): I don't know dearest!

Viewer 1: It involved your brother again!

Viewer 2: Oh Dear! What has my brother done?

Viewer 1: He's gone and got him self compacted again.

Viewer 2: You know this is the third time that has happened to him. Last time it took six months to get him back to normal. And his insurance rates went thru the roof!

Viewer 1: I know! I know!

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 7:49 pm

T-Shirts of the Three Galaxies:

Network Omni News: "I Got Cubized by the Prometheans and All I Got was this Lousy T-Shirt!"

Network Omni News Involuntary Interviewee: "I Got Pistol-Whipped, Interrogated, Publically Aired, Galactically Exposed, and Universally Humiliated by Network Omni News, and All I Got was this Lousy T-Shirt!"

TransGalactic Imperial Legion(grey w/ black neck and cuffs): "I Got Ambushed, Bushwacked, Decimated, Stripped, and Left for Dead by the Free Worlds Council, and All I Got was this Lousy T-Shirt!"

Golgan Republik: "We've Conquered, We've Occupied, We've Bureaucracized, We've Backslid, We've Degenerated, and All We Got was this Lousy T-Shirt!"

Altess Dynasty: "I've Splurged, I've Condescended, I've Arrogantly Promoted My Own Superiority, I've Flashed My Wealth, and All I Got was Forty Thousand Iridium-Silver Alloy Weave-Embrodied, Arkenan-Silk-Screened, Nano-Computer-Gem-Impregnated, Smart-Decalled, T-Shiirts Like THis One!"

Aramanthus · Unread post by **Aramanthus** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 7:52 pm

Aramanthus · Unread post by **Aramanthus** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 7:55 pm

T-Shirts of the Three Galaxies:

Victims of the Gene Stealers: I've got and extra pair of arms, a set of wings, and a tail and all I got was this lousy tee shirt.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 8:16 pm

CosmoKnight: "I've got Cosmic Armor...Why do I Need this Lousy T-Shirt?"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 8:20 pm

Promethean:"When I Ascend to Second Stage...Can I Take this Lousy T-Shirt with Me?"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 8:21 pm

Altaran Blind Warrior Woman: "I CAN'T SEE WHAT'S WRITTEN ON THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT!!!!!!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 8:22 pm

Thoth: "I Seem to Recall Having a Lousier T-Shirt than this One...But I Can't Quite Recall Where or When...."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 8:23 pm

Vampire: "If You Can Read This Lousy T-Shirt, You're Now MINE!!!"

Aramanthus · Unread post by **Aramanthus** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 10:37 pm

LOL Pretty cool Tee-shirts!

Aramanthus · Unread post by **Aramanthus** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 10:41 pm

Coalition post Tolkien: "We conquered Tolkien, fought the Free Quebec, and all I get is this cool tee-shirt! Hey what are the concentric circles for on the front and the back of the shirt. And what's this tiny little scrall on the bottom of the back..........Aproved by E. Tarn!"

Alpha 11 · Unread post by **Alpha 11** » Thu Jun 29, 2006 11:28 pm

I cannot get enough! :lol:

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Jun 30, 2006 3:36 pm

darkmax wrote:Now how did those Rifts Earth Tees get into the 3G?

Network Omni Newsflash---EconoNews
Dateline: 6/290002/312853571

This Lousy T-Shirt Company Rockets to Top of Charts!
-Center, Phaseworld, Corkscrew Galaxy. Economic analysts have been surprised by the sudden spike in profits from an unexpected source....a small, Phaseworld-based clothing retailer, This Lousy T-Shirt Company, which posted record earnings this quarter, outstripping even perrenial favorites Naruni Enterprises and Altess Royal Banking, unusual for a clothing firm.
It comes as no great surprise, however, to TLT-SC's co-owner, Flambouy Artisse, who has worked for the company for fifty years. "Location, location, location, and availability....we're right in the annex of one of the greatest transportation hubs in all creation...millions pass our store every day, and a lot of them are looking for some souvenir, or a cover-up, or a disguise...and there's nothing cheaper or more common, while remaining both modest and expressive, than a T-Shirt! And we provide them with what they want, as soon as they want it!"
TLT-SC's combination of simple craftsmanship, commonfolk irreverance, flexible relevance in its messeges, and a Megaverse from which to draw customers and inspiration, has worked out well for the company. "WE've already been approached about franchises in the Three Galaxies and in other dimensions, but while that's tempting, I really like to keep my hand in maintaining the quality of our garments....so anyone who wants to franchise our success is going to have to meet our standards.."
And tough standards those promise to be, what with This Lousy T-Shirt Company's clientele including such luminaries as Thraxus(seen sporting his own "I own the Phaseworld Underworld and all I got..." shirt at a local zangball tournament), Creidal LOrd of Iron Dragons, General Noldek of the Central Alliance, and even Thoth....A small company, selling a simple product, but they seem to have the Golden Touch...

Aramanthus · Unread post by **Aramanthus** » Fri Jun 30, 2006 5:52 pm

Phase world 3d Omni News viewer: :::Door bell buzzes. He goes and answers the door.:::

Delivery person outside door::: "I've got a Sebac to be delivered here. Please sign on the screen at the line."

Viewer: "Ok." :::Signs for package. Closes door.:::

Viewer 1: "Honey your brother Sebac is here to visit."

Viewer 2: "You were right my worthless brother will be here until he gots back into shape."

Viewer 1: "I'll put he in the machine, that start to get his cubized butt back into that sort of shapeless blob form he normally looks like. Although in this form he could actually make a contribution to society."

Viewer 2: "How's that dear?"

Viewer 1: "He could be our door stop or footrest. You know after working a hard day in the clone factory, coming home and putting my feet up on a comforting ottoman."

Viewer 2: "That does sound like a good use for my brother."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Jun 30, 2006 5:55 pm

More screamin' T's:

Splicers: "I Found the Shutdown Codes and Wiped NEXUS, and All I Got was this Lousy T-Shirt"

Manhunter: "I Don't Know Why I Feel Compelled to Wear This Lousy T-Shirt...A Deliberate Flaw in My Programming, No Doubt, Inserted by Inferior Humans I Will Subsequently Hunt Down and Destroy!"

After the Bomb: "I'm Wearing This Lousy T-Shirt to Show My Mutant Gene Humanity....Animals Don't Wear Clothes."

T'Zee: "I Have Eighteen Kids, and Only One Lousy T-Shirt."

Nightbane/Spawn: "This Lousy T-Shirt -IS- My Morphus."

Wormwood: "I'm Despised by Humanity, I'm Hunted by Demons, I Eat Grubs, I Wear Planet-Snot for Armor----At Least I Have This Lousy T-Shirt."

Skraypers: "Stand Back: I am About to Superheroically Burst Out of This Lousy T-Shirt!"

Fallen CosmoKnight: "Black on Black Printing...How the ^*^!! Is Anybody Supposed to Read This Lousy T-Shirt?!"

THreshold Alien/Kla!zon: "This Lousy T-Shirt is the Only Thing of Value I've Found in Your Whole Inferior Society."

Invader: "^^^*!~++This LOusy T-Shirt()**=#//^^"

United Worlds of Warlock: "Our Book Got Put On Indefinite Hold, So We Bought These Lousy T-Shirts Instead."

Crazy/M.O.M.: "It's Not a Lousy T-Shirt, It's a Lousy Bandanna!"

Aramanthus · Unread post by **Aramanthus** » Fri Jun 30, 2006 5:58 pm

ROFLMAO!!!!!!! :lol:

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Jun 30, 2006 6:04 pm

Aramanthus wrote:Phase world 3d Omni News viewer: :::Door bell buzzes. He goes and answers the door.:::

Viewer 2: "That does sound like a good use for my brother."

"Now remember kids, that cellophane-wrapped block in the refrigerator isn't food...it's your uncle Sebac...be nice to him and don't make fun of his inadequacies just because he got beat up by a bunch of Prometheans...or the fact that he works for that lousy news program and doesn't earn a real wage as a Splugorth Slaver should, conquering worlds, and hunting down slave-stock."

Sebac(Thoughts): 'brother of mine you may be---but once I get myself untangled, you are so going to end up on the front page as the poster-child for boneheaded minion culling....'

Aramanthus · Unread post by **Aramanthus** » Fri Jun 30, 2006 6:13 pm

ROFLMAO!!!!! :lol:

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Jun 30, 2006 6:35 pm

Network Omni Newsflash:
Dateline: 6/300017/1428555124

Famed Temporal Raider Injured in Paradox!
---Oresidi II, Manatlese Sector, Thunderhead Galaxy. Famed Temporal Raider Fan'Lugash, who became known galaxy-wide for his winning of the first Three Galaxies Race(actually winning the race BEFORE he started by ducking into a another dimension with reverse time flow), and for subsquently triggering a still-hot Lawyers' War in the TransZedonian Sector, today sustained serious injuries when he attempted to deposit some of his winnings from another venture, and collided with himself at the Cenriddi National Bank of Oresidi.
"It was incredible..." one witness reported. "There he was, striding along as confidentally as you please, and WHAMMO...he smacks into himself coming in the other direction."
Other witnesses say that, just before both Fan'Lugashes lapsed into unconsciousness from the concussions they sustained, one of them murmurred "Funny, I don't remember that..." while the other gasped out "I shoulda seen THAT one coming...". Unfortunately, EMTs responding to the accident got the two identical Temporal Raiders mixed up, so currently hospital staff have no idea who was coming and who was going.
Whan asked whether such paradoxical accidents are commonplace among Temporal Raiders, a fellow Temporal Raider we managed to interview admitted; "It happens, but only if you're not paying attention, or slorping some mighty strong seezbuzz, and it's considered to be rather amateurish and low-brow to be caught having an accident like that...Lugash musta been feeling pretty darn cocky after that string of wins of his to make a gooper like that one."
Both Fan'Lugashes are resting in guarded condition in unspecified locations in the Oresidi Gracious Beneficence Multi-Species Hospital; fans and rivals of Fan'Lugash are advised to check in with hospital maximum security when visiting.

Aramanthus · Unread post by **Aramanthus** » Fri Jun 30, 2006 6:46 pm

Hmm, the universe is lucky. Obivously he never heard of bad things happening when paradox occurs. (As seen in an unnamed British TV show dealing with some sort of Time Travel.)

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Jun 30, 2006 6:57 pm

Aramanthus wrote:Hmm, the universe is lucky. Obivously he never heard of bad things happening when paradox occurs. (As seen in an unnamed British TV show dealing with some sort of Time Travel.)

Nope. The universe is just being a sadistic meany that enjoys the coconut-like sound of two megadamage skulls crashing together :demon:

Aramanthus · Unread post by **Aramanthus** » Fri Jun 30, 2006 6:59 pm

True!

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Fri Jun 30, 2006 7:05 pm

On the thought of BBC....(or other inane references:)

It's the Network Omni News Question of the Day!

"What is the airspeed of a Kreeghor carryinga coconut?"

Free Worlds Council Freedom Fighter: "Depends on what sized mine he stepped on."

Kreeghor: "WE don't burden ourselves with base foodstuffs...that's for the conquered races to carry and shovel."

CosmoKnight: "I once kicked one without a coconut into circumlunar orbit, does that count?"

Invincible Guardsman: " I manage 280 xats per tah, and I wasn't carrying a coconut, I was carrying the head of my target, which was roughly the same size and weight."

T'Zee: "Are the Kreeghor giving out coconuts? Gimme, I got a family to feed!"

Anazar the Anguished, Fallen CosmoKnight: "AS soon as I finish stuffing this coconut down the throat of this cheapskate pay-skimping Imperial officer and get the missile up his other end, I'll give you an answer!"

Aramanthus · Unread post by **Aramanthus** » Fri Jun 30, 2006 7:16 pm

LOL

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Jul 01, 2006 11:00 am

More T-Shirts:

MDC T: "Lousy Megadamage T-Shirts Make Lousy Megadamage Body Armor---They Got Me With a Head Shot!"(t-shirt has burn marks around the neck, arms, and waist"

Rifts Australia: "G'Day, I'm the Forgotten Down-Under Losuy T-Shirt."

Rifts South America: "Hah! You Fools Never Anticipated the Power Creep of This LOusy T-Shirt! Prepare to be Humbled!"

Tolkeen: "All I Have Left is this Lousy T-Shirt: Spare Me a Magic Kingdom?"

Tritonia: "Don't I Look Great in This Wet Lousy T-Shirt?"(grinning Amphib)

Advanced Recon: "THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT DOESN'T STOP BULLETS!!!!"

Ninjas and Superspies: "Master of Forbidden Ancient Lousy T-Shirt Martial Arts! Starch! No Starch!"

Golgan: "Why are You Staring at My Lousy T-Shirt, Alien Outsider?! You Mean to Invade Peaceful Golgan Homestead?! DIE!!!!"

Necros: "THis Lousy T-Shirt is 100% Natural Cotton Blend. Yours is Godless Synthetic Fiber. Prepare to Die, Abomination."

Xiticix: "I Bit the Heads Off 400 Mages to Feed the Queen, and All I Got was This Lousy T-Shirt."

Systems Failure: (Bug) "I Look Stupid in This Lousy T-Shirt."

PLeasurer(or After the Bomb Pleasure Bunny): "Come On, You KNow You Want To Tear This LOusy T-Shirt Off Me!"

Atorian: "If You're Reading This Lousy T-Shirt, It Means You're Not Watching My Handgun Draw a Bead on Your Forehead---Ah, You Finally Noticed!"

Samurai: "THis Lousy T-Shirt is NOT an Appropriate Accessory for Samurai Armor."

Dragon: "I Don;t HAVE to Have Anything Witty, Funny, or POlitically Revelant on This Lousy T-Shirt."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Jul 01, 2006 12:18 pm

darkmax wrote:These Lousy T-shirts were seen being worn by voluptous goddesses vacationing on a beach in the Pleasure Federation:

"If you are wondering how I got into this Lousy T-shirt, you see when I take it off."

"Stop looking at this Lousy T-shirt when you are talking to me"

"This Lousy T-shirt is ALL I am wearing...."

Because Network Omni News has a diverse portfoilo....
(Ad:)

"Been granted the favor of a night with a Goddess/God of Love?"
"Anticipating some hot and heavy action, but not sure you'll live to remember it?"
"Afraid of posthumously disappointing because your all-too-mortal flesh kicked the bucket halfway through the night?"
"Want to pleasantly surprise that willing Aphrodite/Adonis by keeping up?"
Now you can, thanks to Bioware Omni's Cardio-Assist Maximum Performance MaxUp BioPackage! Get Juicer-like power without the deadline, courtesy of our advanced biotech and bio-engineering!
Just open the package, follow the instructions, press the cylinder to your chest, and let the skin-absorption micro-worms and nanites go to work building you a temporary secondary heart and extra adrenal glands that will last you the night...long enough for some serious lovin' action!
MaxUp is compatible with most humanoid lifeforms and is completely unisex.
Don't let a silly thing like being mortal stop you from partying with the gods; MaxUp!

*Use only as directed

(In game terms, MaxUp gives the recipient, after a 1 hour period after injection, a boost of +2d4 PE, +1d4 PS, +1d6 MA, +20% save versus Coma/Death, +15% save vs poisons/toxins.
Effects last 24 +2d6 hours, after which, the user cannot use it again for another 1d6x10 hours, while the body flushes out the temporary chemical boost and 'assisstor' tissue, re-stabilizes itself, and re-sets itself(users typically complain about being lethargic, weak, and VERY hungry ....-1d4 to initiative and dodge, roll, and strike rolls). Attempting to pop another MaxUp before the dizziness and weakness subsides risks health problems...roll versus posion or take 3d6 Hit Point damage from cardiac arrest .
Another side-effect of MaxUp is that while under the adrenal/hormonal surge, users often complain of being distracted and mentally preoccupied with more phsycal/carnal activities....Roll versus M.E. every hour or suffer a penalty doing technical or other mental skills requiring concentration of -15%

Cost: 25,000 credits a canister)

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sat Jul 01, 2006 6:31 pm

Imperius wrote:I wager 25,000 quatloos on the Maxup!

Does it work for non-morals as well? (Viagra for Atlantians, etc)

Obviously you haven't heard of the legendary 'Atlantean Fly'...with that stuff, it's a wonder there aren't MORE True Atlanteans(or at least Half-Atlanteans) loose in teh Megaverse....

But, yes, it works(at about half potency), though most non-mortals tend to trust their own physiques and philtres to get the job done...

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun Jul 02, 2006 8:10 pm

darkmax wrote:We do have one for the less humanoid races...... right, Archorn? Archorn? Don't just lie there with all that foam in your mouth! Get to work on that non-humanoid formula, already!

Some folks just subscribe to *YOWZAH!*---The only telepathically-interactive adult magazine in the Three Galaxies---special psychoactive inks in each issue react to the reader's thoughts, identifying their species and preferences, and altering the magazine's image-contents---enhancing imagery to maximum stimuli values. It's been blamed for multiple cardiac arrests, disturbance of peace, corruption of minors, and at least one case of fatal distraction(reader walked in front of a mag-lev cargo-train).
Needless to say, *YOWZAH!* is prohibited to minors on most worlds, outright banned on others(except for brown-wrapper deliveries to certain government officials), required to be sold with a first aid kit and resuscitator on some, and issued as adult education texts on others---Look for the bright orange and silver-stripped covers...

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Sun Jul 02, 2006 8:29 pm

Network Omni Newsflash
Dateline: 7/20012/4242279
Zordstrom's Ultimate Store Opens!
-Waldrov, Zenetii Sector, Corkscrew Galaxy. A crowd of several thousand attended the opening of the new and much-lauded Zordstrom's---already critiqued by many as being the 'ultimate department store'. Though only occupying 10 s-acres on city zoning maps, Zordstrom's is said to actually occupy several levels of alternate space/time, providing in actuality several hundred square miles of floor space. The collaboration of a consortium of Prometheans and other astral entities, Zordstrom's means to provide the ultimate shopping experience to shoppers, and is certain to become as great an attraction as Phaseworld's Center or the Great Dimensional Market.
HOwever, before Zordstrom's could open, multiple hurdles had to be negotiated...Zordstrom's owners had to assure such dealers as Naruni Enterprises that the department store would NOT attempt to horn on weapons markets....Zordstrom's Armaments Department sells only non-lethal ranged weaponry, sporting weapons, and athletic melee weapons. Another condition of CCW acceptance is that Zordstrom's will sell pets, but not slaves. Another problem, given the extradimensional nature of the store involves closing the loophole of refugees from the law...Zordstrom's has an extradition treaty with the CCW for anyone attempting to hide from the law inside the store.
"Given the size of the store, we also had another problem with people getting lost." confided Zordstrom's Promethean Security Chief ZoxaZhan. "Before openning, we tested the store extensively, sending teams throughout the store to simulate lost customers. Thanks to those test-runs, we're now assured that no customer will ever go more than twenty minutes without encountering a help desk, relief station, or food kiosk where their needs will be attended to, and a rescue team dispatched to help them out. "
Despite the many teething problems, however, Zordstrom's officials assure customers they will have an unforgettable experience..."You will find something here that interests you and you will not leave empty-handed...We have a lot of retailers stepping forward to provide excellent goods at affordable prices..and we have entertainment the likes of which only the Pleasure Foundation could boast of...We have SEVEN Feretti Alban Fire-Sculptures, done specially for us by the artist....Twenty-Eight floating bands of live musicians....A waterpark with 5-mile deep fish tank.....We're immensely proud of the place, and you're all welcome to see why!"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Mon Jul 03, 2006 6:12 pm

Network Omni News Entertainment Special:

It's time for ... That Unnatural Naturalist from the Downunder of the Corkscrew----KREEGHOR HUNTER!!!!!!

(In comes bounding a horribly mutated/augmented GunBrother with knee-breeches, jodpers, bush-jacket, all in savannah tan..)

KH: "H'lo mates! I'm the Kreeghor Hunter, and today we're stalking the great Royal Kreeghor in his home away from home, in this startlingly natural-looking recreation at the Zordstrom's multi-planar department store! Follow me and try to keep up!"

(Camera takes a low angle shot rushing through aisles of merchandise, occasionally OVER, UNDER, and THROUGH the merchandise, hot on the heels of a dimly seen Kreeghor Hunter as he stealthily, but speedily, progresses through the store, occasionally startling staff-members and customers)
KH(Voiceover): "We have to be very careful, which is why we're taking the circuitous route to their lair here...that's why we're going through the Men's Wear department, cutting through the Toy Department...oh, wow, there's an iridium-cast fully posable Blastaman!....skip across the Automotive accessories....and take cover in the Chemical Supply department as we close in on our objective...)

(camera steadies on KH's face in dim light as he hides behind a stack of piled hoses)
KH(whispering): "Be very quiet...we're just about on the edge of their territory and I already see signs there's a big one close by...Oh! I was right! And he's a big baby! See, right there, in the Lingerie Department...)

(Camera zooms in past the edge fo the hose-cover into the pinkly-lit Unmentionables department where we see a massive hulking Royal Kreeghor, strapped with gun belts, looming over a pile of knocked-out service staff and customers.)

KH: "Krikey but he's a big one, and in the middle of his favorite activity!"

(Camera: The Kreeghor is currently pulling on a set of stockings and garters(black fishnet of course), apparently stripped from some of the bodies on the floor,)

KH:"Ah, fascinating, isn't it....But it also gives us our oppotunity while he's busy on his prey!"

(KH whips out a mini-discplayer and sets it going; suddenly the Rocky Mountain Horror Picture Show theme music "Sweet Transvestite" begins blaring...The Royal Kreeghor suddenly looks up, looks around, then begins doing a leg-dance...really getting into it, when suddenly KREEGHOR HUNTER tangles him from his blindside, sending the two megadamage augments rolling around, locked in a fierce wrestling grip.)

KH: "(gasp)....Blimey! (gak!) ...he's a STRONG'un...(whof!)...DON'T DO THIS AT HOME KIDS LEAVE IT TO THE (Hackgasphack) PROFESSIONALS!!...(orp!) Yep, he's a mad one...(urrrrrrr!!!)...and he's doing his(whow!) death-roll!...(argh)...(pant)...but if you get him gripped just SO..(wheeze)...you can put'em...(waw) to sleep...(CRACK)...or break his neck....oops...Oh well, that just gives us opportunity to go hunting another...these guys rarely travel alone....(camera cuts in on the top of KH's face, ala 'Blair Witch Project')and look,(gasp) here comes store security! We'll just regroup in the Kitchen Ware department, but for now....LET'S RUN!!!!"

(Camera goes rushed and blurry as the point of view hurriedly...again, ala 'Blair Witch Project', beforegoing dark, and ads roll).

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Tue Jul 04, 2006 9:35 am

Network Omni Newsflash
Dateline: 7/40001/64312546
Invasion Crashes Party; Party Crashes Invasion!
---Quin’esh, Algonian Sector, Thunderhead Galaxy. Diplomats and military analysts are abuzz about the latest shift of power in the Algonian Sector, since the forces of the self-styled Alquis Domnion, led by the notorious General Gramnec, attempted to invade humble little Quin’esh and the peaceful NaiBead people---and were completely obliterated.
General Gramnec, better known as Supreme General of All Strategem, Master of the Great Destiny, Keeper of the People’s Spirit, Conveyor of Directives Most Holy, and Diviner of the Ultimate Alquisian Celestial Path, but better known to locals of the Algonian Sector as the Butcher of Sakasis and the Death-jester, ever since he roared to power on Alquisa VII fifteen years ago, and began a reign of terror and torture that has claimed millions in the Sector, was well and truly feared. Besides holding his homeworld in abject servitude to his ruling Masadrem Party, Gramnec and his elite legions, the BloodMad, had cowed a dozen worlds in the Algonian Sector into accepting unprovisional ‘membership’ in his Pan-Algonian Masadrem Economic Consortium----described as a ‘glorified protection racket’ by CCW diplomats following Gramnec’s expansion through the sector.
(Vidfeed of stock footage: legions of stormtroopers marching past a reviewing stand, formations of ships blasting overhead....ragged people being rounded up and beaten by soldiers, long-distance shots of grim-looking prisons, a public execution...all pretty grim viewing)
Peaceful Quin’esh, with its native populace of diminutive insectoid NaiBead, was apparently next on Gramnec’s acquisition list....the planet’s rich mineral wealth was a major factor in Gramnec’s future expansion plans, and everyone but the NaiBead apparently knew it. So it came as no great surprise that late 7/30000 the bulk of General Gramnec’s BloodRagers deployed to the Qui’esh system and descended, intent on a typical ‘initiation’ into the PAMEC----all-out assault, obliteration of over thirty percent of the populace, and enslavement of the rest.
Only that wasn’t how it turned out.
(Vidfeed of a chromed CosmoKnight shaking his head)
“Gramnec elected to invade the NaiBead as they were celebrating their greatest national holiday, a celebration of their independence from the old Moredian Imperium. I’m thinking he figured it would distract them and demoralize them to be attacked on a civil celebration day.” confided CosmoKnight Halyon Dorec, who responded to reports of the invasion; “Only nobody apparently told him that the NaiBead are positively dotty for fireworks...and being molluscoid-insectoids whose bodies are over fifty-percent armored carapace, they tend to be rather ‘no-restrictions’ about the power of their pyrotechnics---if they weren’t so peaceable, the Naibead would be known as the arms merchants of the sector, but for the fact that they restrict sales of their stuff to just local holidays---what they call ‘display devices’ any other species would call ‘high explosive ordnance’, and what ‘s heavy artillery to some, are just big noise makers to the Naibead, and they like letting off LOTS of them with great enthusiasm......Gramnec’s forces walked right into a freefire zone.”
Indeed, the Alquisian invasion armada entered atmosphere only to be met by a barrage of upper atmosphere nucleonics specifically devised by high EMP-scatter(NaiBead being able to see into the EM spectrum) that instantly crippled their ships, and left them vulnerable to the veritable storms of high explosive and ‘decorative plasma’ devices fired off at lower altitudes.
(Vidfeed of a sky aglow with lightning flashes, tracers arcing into the air, fountains of flame, parachute flares, and the steady ZOOMPH of larger projectiles lofting away into the sky...multiple bonfires on the ground show running figures tossing lit objects into the air, or setting down big boxes on the ground that instantly begin to smoke and ignite, before erupting into barrages of skyborne projectiles)
What few vessels made it to the surface and grounded, found themselves subjected to local community and private displays, which turned ugly as the NaiBed slowly realized the truly intent of the Alquisian fleet.
(Vidfeed, obviously home-video, of a pot-bellied landing ship swooping low over a well-lit outdoor barbeque attended by dozens of small, heavily armored, flea-like NaiBead, then getting caught as a fountain of shimmering pyrotechnics shoots up into and through the ship’s hull, which then goes careening out of control into the forest beyond the party as the attendees look out, multiple limbs and sensory appendages in positions of surprise. Cut to a shot of agroup of humanoid soldiers in full body armor diving out of a flaming military hovercar and running like hell as a group of juvenile NaiBed come running after them with sparkler sticks spitting gops of multi-colored plasma or psychedelic-colored napalm...Another shot of an adult NaiBed, looking like a cross between a giant flea and a lobster, with his antennae in a grinning position, holding up a confiscated Alquisian mini-missile launcher, and comparing it to the giant silver-painted roman candle mortar in his other claw---translation of the stenciled NaiBeddian running along the bottom of the screen reads “MATAMAZMO BINGABOOMA SUPERSPEED HIGH-FLYING THOUSAND SHOTS DANCING AURORA FLITTERSTARS’)
(Vid cuts back to Halyon Dorec)
“By the time I got here, all that was left was mopping up....the Alquisians didn’t stand a chance. One of the meanest military machines in the Arm, and the BloodRagers got blasted to flinders by fireworks displays.”
Adding to the debacle was the fact that General Gramnec and his entire senior staff and corporate development board...in fact all the upper echelon cronies in the Alquis Dominion, were personally reviewing the invasion from the bridge of the fleet flagship when it got caught in a mega-plasma grand finale blast and was subsequently destroyed. In one fell stroke, what assassins and resistance forces had failed to do, a planet-wide fireworks celebration managed to; decapitate the Pan-Algonian Masadrem Economic Consortium and in effect liberated Algonian Sector from a bloodthirsty tyrant.
“Oh, there will be some fighting still as Alquisian officers attempt to fill the power vaccum back home,” admitted a CCW TAIV official, on the matter of normalization of affairs in Algonian Sector. “But the subject worlds held in thrall under Gramnec are throwing off their shackles with remarkable ease, and we’re already seeing sweeping reforms back on Alquis as the democratic opposition is coming back from exile, out of hiding, or being released from prisons and concentration camps. The Masadrem are finished as a power here.”
Surprisingly, the inadvertant initiators of all this sweeping change, the NaiBead, are taking it all in stride and with great modesty...”Oh sure this year was great, but those ships ruined some really good displays.” one local confessed, before promising; “Wait until next year...we’ll REALLY pull out the stops for next IndeDay!”

Happy Fourth of July, folks, and remember, leave the fireworks to the professionals...HEY, GET THAT OUTTA YOUR MOUTH!!!!

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Tue Jul 04, 2006 9:39 am

darkmax wrote:(lol!!!)

Here at The Store, we have an inter-galactic first. Yes, you heard us correct! An inter-galactic first! We have a totally brand spanking new area, Shop-A -Mate, where you, our customers can choose a permanent partner! All for a reasonable price. All goods are perfectly legal and here on their own free-will. Come see our selection in their respective units (aka house). You can always test the goods before buying any. Remember this is not only for the gentlemen, we have a selection for all! Females, males, gays, lesbians, transvestites, and the non-sexually specific species as well. You have see it to believe it! Heck! Test them before you buy them! For all tastes and fetishes! Kids not included.

Rentals are also available.

Customer: "It was that see-thru cellophane wrapper that got my attention...'Packaged at Maximum Freshness', whow-boy....thank heavens for nitroglyerine tablets, or I'd be meetin' my maker right now instead of enjoying my honeymoon in the Bedding department...."

Aramanthus · Unread post by **Aramanthus** » Wed Jul 05, 2006 12:40 am

ROFLMAO!!! :lol:

I see you both have been very busy over the weekend.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed Jul 05, 2006 5:02 pm

Inspired by true events---

Network Omni Newsflash:
Dateline: 7/50201/237424672

Starship Rental Franchise Blitzed by Irrate Customer
-----Soutopor, NuevoBritt Sector, Corkscrew Galaxy. The Yorktown Starship Rental Agency of Soutopor became the most recent victim in a string of combat-strikes against the tri-galactic rental agency(named for a Terran Hegemony fighter-carrier that the company's founder once served on)...While the agency has had its share of irrate customers, few have acted ...nor, in the minds of many, with such justification.
The party responsible for the attacks, one ex-court bail bondsman and skiptracer-turned-bounty hunter, Salgon Dittoslayer, openly pronounced his reasons after shelling the orbital franchise office with a shotgun blast of kinetic kill vehicles;
"Those (gentically-engineered bioweaponized sterile bloodsucking screwfly larvae) charged me 180,000 credits for a rental, then when I took the thing into an orbital Faraday Cage to avoid damaging it in a plasma storm, and got one (annoyingly insignificant) ding on it, they frog-marched me under armed escort to my bonding agency to withdraw a 500,000 credit damage deposit, then later billed me an additional 300,000 credits for the cosmetic damage I could have buffed off myself! Oh, I paid, on top of the 2 million I shelled out for repairs to my old ship, and another 250,000 to the CCW fedgov, but working three jobs, it will take me FOREVER to recoup those losses...and I figured, since I paid already, and kinetic kill missiles being cheaper than starship repairs, I oughta get some of my own back from those chisellers, so I KKev'ed their facilities...The whole thing's a racket anyway, so they oughta expect some rubout action!"
Declaring himself utterly frustrated with the starship rental franchise, Dittokiller then hypered out, leaving the YSRA employees of the destroyed facility behind, alive but drifting in lifeboats. While Yorktown Starship Rentals has already dispatched several bountyhunters after Dittokiller, it is believed that the man is being hidden by other disgruntled agency billees in the Periphery.
"If he didn't want to take responsibility for damages, he should have taken better care of the wonderful ship we loaned him....Mark our words, though, that man will pay for defacing our property." A YSRA administrator told NON.
"Beneath that smiling flashy ad campaign Yorktown runs is a predatory organized crime racket set to take grevious advantage of the people who need private transportation the most...They'll do anything to weasel the customer out of an extra credit or fuel rod....It just emphasizes that if you're going to have an accident in one of their ships...make sure it kills you, because anything less, and their accountants will own you." counter-declared a hypernet-blogger claiming to represent dissident elements of the spacefaring community. " Their ships look great, but it's all a trap....cheaper to rent the services, crew and all, of a star-tramper next time you need legs..."

Aramanthus · Unread post by **Aramanthus** » Wed Jul 05, 2006 5:55 pm

Good hook in that one!

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed Jul 05, 2006 6:03 pm

Aramanthus wrote:Good hook in that one!

...and completely true....I actually lost more renting a vehicle than I made in working the jobs I rented the car to reach...And I'll bet that they either paint over the scratches for a fraction of what they billed me, and/ or sell the bumper onto another car as 'almost new'....all for the vanity of the company...

Trust me on this one; reality is far more gruelling than any HLS, without the opportunity to slay the varlets working for the darkside....

My own personal NONewsflash might be:

"BLACK HOLE SUCKS UP PART-TIME LIBRARIAN'S WALLET---BOTTOMLESS PIT GOES AFTER BANK ACCOUNTS"

Aramanthus · Unread post by **Aramanthus** » Wed Jul 05, 2006 6:07 pm

I've seen that happen before too.

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed Jul 05, 2006 6:26 pm

Aramanthus wrote:I've seen that happen before too.

"Seen, but not experienced first hand...that is a good goal in life with regards to the negative things....Seek not to experience the stress caused by the frustration of not being able to strangle the giant...Seek not the agony of self-doubt caused by hindsight with regard to the trivial things...
But if you should experience such things, and you lose money in them, remain calm, remain cool, and should you be unable to remain either; make sure you've hidden all the bodies, and planted sufficient evidence to implicate some other richly deserving scapegoat."
-------Boralis the Untouchable. Fallen CosmoKnight, Reborn Corporate Broker, Motivational Speaker, and Author of "The Megaverse Don't Listen to Your Prayers(So Make Good on a Few Curses)"

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Wed Jul 05, 2006 6:31 pm

darkmax wrote:Well, I rented many vehicles before and never really had to pay beyond my rental fees. However, I have heard about really bad situations with rental agencies. The joke of the matter is I am the fastest driver among my friends and yet they are usually the ones to get penalised by these agencies.

Always works out that way....As long as you don't drive a truck or an SUV...THEN I would have to pull the rocket launcher out of the trunk(not taht I can AFFORD one after dealing with car rental and repair bills)...

And starship rentals wouldn't be any cheaper...If Naruni ain't already involved in it, they could make a bundle joining in...except the established agencies would go after them...

Rental Wars!

Aramanthus · Unread post by **Aramanthus** » Wed Jul 05, 2006 6:47 pm

Think of the possiblilites! :-D

"Rental Wars!" :::Music ques up. Opening credits begin rolling..... ::: It could make an interesting read in Omni!

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Jul 06, 2006 2:36 pm

darkmax wrote:In a road-house somewhere along a galatic highway....

Vacationer 1: Hey! What a great starship you have there! Did you rent it from the Naruni?

Vacationer 2: Thanks! It does make it easier to attract the opposite sex. I have it rented from Super-Starship-For-Rent.

Female Companion of Vacationer 1: Oh! Don't they have one of the highest rental rates?

Vacationer 2: I got it on their special offer! 10 credits per galactic cycle, how's that?! Definitely a bargain. I hope they continue this Rental War.

Female Companion of Vacationer 1: (snugging up to Vacationer 2) So... Do you have room for one more?

Meanwhile....in a small abandoned warehouse structure at the local spaceport...
Two camouflaged Molock Enforcers and a Uteni officer get set up...

Uteni: "Now remember boys, the idea here is to promote the image that renting from anyone other than Naruni is to settle for dangerously second-rate equipment...We've got three SSFR-registered ships out on that field...Lyrch?"

Lyrch: "Al'redy gimmicked the fuel lines to release der tankage on lift-off....nanogoop look like corrosion on the lines....dat stuff'll be dang expensive to clean up..."

Uteni: "Excellent---Mopr, yours?"

Mopr: "Wait till those suckas try to land...landing gear lights gonna givvem false readin!"

Uteni: "Even better! And tonight I'll remote diddle the navcoms on the third to take them off course...WAAYYYY off course! BWHAHAHAHa!"

(Meanwhile, in another abandoned warehouse structure on the other side of the way...another group of shadowy figures are gathering...)

Monro: "Okay, there were four Naruni-registered rentals out there...did we get them all?"

TechnGremlin: "Hey, do I or don't I look like a professional?..."

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Jul 06, 2006 2:54 pm

Runners in 'Rental Wars"

Yorktown Starship Rentals(you break it, we break you)
Naruni Ultima-Travel Rental (there can only be one)
Rent-a-Derelict(name sez it all)
Rent-to-Love Starcraft Associates(we're very into talking to our ships...)
Last Gasp Spacecraft Rentals(How bad you need it, and how much you got?)
Gravity Well Bucket Budget Rentals(scrapping the bottom of the gravity well...)
Fat Comet Rentals ('Fat Comet', you ask?...)
LoanaOwna Rentals (you break it, you buy it)
Shadowport Rentals(no questions, cash up front...)
Needagettaway Self-Carrier Providers (actually owns a fleet of ships worked on by technical school trainees...if it flies, they pass, if it don't, they take the course over again...)
Zyganetal Starships(actually a government-owned company front for the Zyganian Empire)
Domination Rentals(actually a front for a Dominator)
Eternastar Unlimited Rentals(nice classy ships, excellent availability, very low rates....pity these folks work for the same people who sell those demonically possessed power armors and robots...)

Who will emerge victorious? Who will go down in flames? Who else will come out of the woodwork?

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Jul 06, 2006 3:20 pm

darkmax wrote:And the last minute entry to this "race"

Rent It By The Mile (Pay nothing up front, rate at 5 credits per mile)

Mile? Sure it shouldn't be Astronomical Unit(AU), or LightYear? When you're talking interstellar distances, those miles add up to some serious cash!

taalismn · Unread post by **taalismn** » Thu Jul 06, 2006 4:11 pm

Network Omni Newsflash
Dateline: 7/70488/13633721

Bakalapona Shipyards Introduce New Folding Starship Concept
----Bakalapona, Anvil Galaxy---The ex-Golgan psychiatric colony known for making a splash on the galactic scene with their slingshot-powered FTL drive system, has recently announced plans to market a new concept of theirs, combining cutting edge- technowizardy, ubrepowered Ludicrous Magic, and the latest in material sciences;
----The Origami Starship
"Yes, thanks to several breakthroughs in enchantment thaumaturgy, we can now create a lightweight, agile starship that you can fold for storage convenience!" crowed Bakalapona's Industrial Development Minister Bubblen Stackee. "And they're really beautiful, too! We had paperfolders the planet over designing them, so we have a nice selection of cranes, swans, dragons, snowflakes, and, of course, the traditional flying wedge!"
THe craft, which are made of tough polymer-treated megadamage paper, are generally of 5-25 tons in weight, generally have less megadamage rating than vehicles of equal weight/mass(generally 1/2 to 2/3 LESS MDC), half the speed rating, and can travel at 2 light years an hour with 50 light years range before needing PPE recharge. Origami starships generally seat 1-10 people, and lack most of the amenities(and shielding) of conventional ships, but are much more responsive in an atmosphere(+2 to dodge, and +10% to crashlanding control rolls). They also lack armaments(though reportedly Bakalaponan mages are working on ways to incorporate protective spells and attack wards into the printing on the hull-paper). On the plus side, Origami starships can fold up(takes about 30-60 minutes, plus the time to remove any cargo) to a 1/8th of their original size, and generally sell/rent for a quarter of the price...though some experts believe that this latter figure is a Bakalaponan effort to encourage interest in the craft, rather than actual cost...
"WE've had some critics express concerns about our beauties folding up in flight and crushing the folks inside them, but we assure customers that ain't going to happen...we've thoroughly tested the technology, and even we were surprised at how tough the folds and creases can be..even deliberately folded a few in flight with spacesuited crews...all that heppens is the thing wraps around you...apply a little air pressure, and in most cases it pops back into shape...though we also discovered that when the ship's folded up, it actually acts as a safety restraint(crew takes HALF damage from crashlanding), so we're really happy and confident we got winners here." declared a beaming Master PaperFolder Archmage Inchii Lentee. "And we got the whole beautiful design cornered...we got some incredible translucent prints and cool colors...makes the ships look like great big latterns!"
To prove its confidence in its new stellar-origami, Bakalapona has also announced that it will be jumping into the recently spiking starship rental market(the so-called 'Rental Wars').
"We're meaning to make Bakalapona a name in intertellar circles for innovation and inspiration....We're not crazy, we just consider things from a fresh perspective."