Network Omni News

[taalismn]

Hey! I said cheap! Not how cheap!

The cheap comes in the maintenance on the ships they rent...

[taalismn]

Hey it's cheap... per mile.....

Now we have to start dealing in centi- and milli-credits per mile(if -I'm- ever renting from these guys), and the almost worthless micro-credit...you know what you can buy with a microcredit? .0000001 of a cup of coffee...

[taalismn]

nay, I think you meant a wisp of the steam rising from the coffee in the cup.

Some parts of the Megaverse, they'll slit your throat for that much...

"THat's MOISTURE!!! THat's MY moisture, you claim-jumpin' varmint! Taste my vibrochiv, you wet-bandit!!!"

[Aramanthus]

ROFLMAO!!!!

[Aramanthus]

Phase World 3d Viewer #2: Hey dear have you seen my brother Sebac?

Viewer #1: Yeah he was reposessed by Loanaowna Rental today while you were gone.

Viewer #2: What was he renting?

Viewer #1: He had rented some excercise equipment for his condition. (For new readers Sebac was cubized by the Prometheans.)

Viewer #2: I thought his doctor told him no strenuous excercises until he had arms again.

Viewer #1: I know that doctor told him that, but he insisted on trying to impress one of his co-workers with his physique. :::Stiffling a small laugh:::

Viewer #2: :::Also stiffling a small laugh::: Ok, so Sebac isn't the sharpest tool in the shed. Why did he get reposessed?

Viewer #1: He was agruing that he'd only just got the stuff when the dog bumped him and he sort of rolled into one of the boxes the guys were carrying out.

Viewer #2: And you just let him go?

Viewer #1: No, your brother said he'd talk his way out of it.

Viewer #2: Oh dear! You'd better go and pick him up. You know Sebac can't talk his way out of a paper bag.

[taalismn]

Network Omni News: Rimmrunner's Notes:
Dateline: 7/72344/23173

----THought I'd drop this tidbit of info on the hyperbeam while it's hot.
Maybe none of you follow the confectionary business reports, so if you don't, here's the public press release summarized:
You know CyberChoc? The big candy maker that bought out CavitationTechConfectionaries and FrenziBarr, and looked set to steamroll the elves of HappyGlenn Candies...The ones who went so wholly automated, boosting state of the art orbital facs that could devour cometary nuclei into CHON(Carbon-Hydrogen-Oxygen-Nitrogen) raw materials and spin the stuff into sweetness...and pump out a two thousand tons of pseudo-choccy, wrap it all in colorful metallo-plastic, and ship it all out via robo-bulker to all those waiting distributers?
Well, CyberChoc just called a massive recall of its DarkMatter NuttiWafers...claim the particle filter on the nut-cruncher was letting big chunks of hardshell through...might pose a choking hazard to little consumers...Big freakin' recall and a black eye for the company whose motto is "Heathy Eats, Healthy Sweets', right?
Here's the real reason behind the recall....Seems the United Worlds of Warlock was chasing a Dark Coven thief..some high-ranker they'd been after for some time now, and he decided to try to lose the bloodhounds by ducking onto one of CyberChoc's big processing satfacs...maybe he figured after he ditched and blew his ship, the police would start searching for his body in nearspace, while he hid out on a regular outbound candy-ship....Well, he guessed wrong, because the cops twigged on and chased after him....Sounds like the stuff of comedy, right? Chase scene in the candy fac? Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't, but the outcome was sure tragicomic....THiefman made an ill-advised attempt to sprint through a 'sealed for your safety, meatbags' section and wound up being rendered into nugat, pulped, molded, poured, packaged, and shipped before anyone knew what was happening and where the late Mister Sticky-fingers, now just plain Mister Sticky, was, and that indeed he had left the building.
Now that in itself wouldn't be worth mentioning except maybe for anecdotes of some kid biting into a knuckle bone in his jawbreaker, since ugly, and funny, and ugly-funny, deaths are a dime a dozen in the Three Galaxies. Except our late thief managed to lift a very valuable little playpretty before he went running, which is why the UWW's finest were in hot pursuit. Seems this particular piece of glass was a sesame-seed-sized crystal that amps magic reactions and acts as a catalyst for certain high power potions, making them even more potent, and allowing them to affect other potion stock...great for industrial grade mass-production of philtres and other useful magic-juice. Needless to say, the big-cloaks in the UWW want the mighty microcrystal back bad, but so would a whole lot of other people.
The UWW's fairly sure the crook had the crystal on him when he went into the sugar-sludge and became one with the inner child's favorite food. They tore that fac apart looking for their missing property, and didn't find it, which means in all likelihood the crystal's hiding under a wrapper somewhere, masquerading as a piece of nut-grit particle filling.
I'm not spreading rumor here...word out is that somebody's already hijacked several CyberChoc Freighters and looted the cargoes...So unless we're being invaded by transgalactic candy-freaks, somebody...maybe several somebodies...are looking for their golden ticket to a small fortune from a little crystal seed...and while the UWW isn't saying anything public right now, you can bet they'd pay a nice reward for the return of this thing, and maybe a bounty for the guys who are trying to blackmarket it...
Personally? In the latter case I'd start following the candy wrappers. On finding the thing direct? I got the feeling a whole lot of rimrunners and fortune-hunters are going to be quaffing antacid and sporting acne in the months to come...

[taalismn]

Viewer #2: Oh dear! You'd better go and pick him up. You know Sebac can't talk his way out of a paper bag.

.... ....

"Punster beaten to death by Demonic Minions; Pictures and Commentary/Laugh Track at 11"

[Aramanthus]

ROFLMAO!!!!

[taalismn]

Network Omni Newsflash
Dateline: 7/7779/246442

Juvenaught Devastates Downtown Business District
-----Aliceport, New Calgetti, Semens Sector, Thundercloud Galaxy. City officials are still tallying up the cost of yesterday's rampage of an oversized, magically-mutated sugar-frenzied child who over a twenty-four hour period wreaked merry havoc.
The chaos began when early in the morning, the quiet of a suburban neighborhood just outside the heart of Aliceport was shattered as a toweringthirty-foot tall mountain of muscle and hair went bellowing and raging through several houses, wandered about apparently randomly for several hours, destroying a local school, scholl transport yard, several playgrounds, and chasing down and devouring an ice cream vendor'bot. Then, the monster procceeded downtown, shrugging off police efforts to contain it, before entering and destroying, in rapid order, a game arcade, two hobby shops, a toy store, several chemical supply shops, a maglev trans-yard, two garages, three food marts, a hardcopy store, and the local weather control tower. Finally, the creature stamped to a local recreational reservoir, jumped in, frightening several boaters and overturning their watercraft, swam several laps(as well as performing several impressive bellyflops in front of witnesses), and finally pulled itself ashore and apparently went to sleep. However, by the time local militia appeared on the scene with heavy weapons and power armor, the monster apparently reverted...to a small local youngster.
The child, who, owing to his juvenille status, has not been identified, is currently in protective custody, but officials claim the child in question has had no previous record of anti-social behavior, and is showing no lasting effects from his experience, having reverted to normal after a day of monster-transformation.
"The poor kid has no idea what happened, and we believe him...to him, it's all a blur..." The local police chief admitted to reporters. "But we're keeping him for observation until we can figure out if this was a deliberate and malicious transformation, or a bizarre accident. We're normally a very quiet community, not used to things like this, but we intend to thoroughly investigate and take the appropriate measures to make sure it doesn't happen again."

[taalismn]

Hmm......

The local conspiracy-laden papers......

"Youngster got the candy bar before the tri-galactic best treasure hunters!"

"Monster juvenile killed president"

"Incredible Hulk Lives!"

24 hour rampage...little kiddo coulda barfed up or passed that magic seasame seed anywhere...into the water supply, into an alley, into that car he crushed.....maybe on a lawn(hope nobody tries to apply any magical lawn-gro, or we could be talkin' some serious vegetable mutants...)

There's a weather control tower that got taken down King-Kong styel...hmmm....thunderstorms and flashfloods coming in, or something more exotic?

The kiddy's in protective custody, but how protective can a 'quiet little community' police force be when some of the 3G's meanest bounty hunters, gold-diggers, and fortune-seekers come a'calling?

And, of course, a lot of community merchants want SOMEBODY to pay...and most insurance doesn't cover rampaging monsters...especially in 'quiet little community' settings...Some of those bountyhunters might pick up a little extra income leaning on the family for restitution.....

And, of course, though the UWW is looking in other places as well, they'll send their own team to check out the reports...

And maybe kiddo has lasting effects or maybe a relapse of argharghARGGGGHHHHHARGGGHHHGRUWFGROWLBLLLLLAAAAAARRRRRR-ness?

"Aliceport' might just become "Maliceport" or maybe "Smokin'Holenaground".

[Aramanthus]

ROFLMAO!!!! That was great!

[taalismn]

ROFLMAO!!!! That was great!

Here's another scary thought...the kid visited his school, trashed it, went wild in the cafeteria...guzzled most of the kiddy soft drinks(nutrient-balanced, PPE-enhanced for promoting good health)...burped the catalytic element into the coolers where the rest of the stuff was stored..and where it will be found and recycled, distributed to other little kids...but by then, catalytic reaction, perhaps further changed by the crystal's trip through the kid's digestive tract...

What's worse than ONE juvie-juggernaught?

"Hi, little ones! Today we'll start with our counting lessons! Take out your touchie-pads and..."
"grrrrr....WWAANTTTPUDDDINNNGGGGG!!!WAAANTTTPUDDDDIIINGGGNOOOOWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!"
(Sounds of ripping, tearing, and imminent mass destruction...)
"...*help me*...."

[Aramanthus]

Imagine that same school being effected by the visit of one child. Suppose he contaminated something and a score of kids were effected!

[taalismn]

Imagine that same school being effected by the visit of one child. Suppose he contaminated something and a score of kids were effected!

Why not? Can't some magical objects change properties over time, or under the right conditions?
After all, viruses are 'non-living', but they do mutate(though it can be argued that it is their COPIES that change), and magical crystals might share similar structure and ability to 'mutate'..

Puts a whole new spin when adventurers go after a rumored ancient artifact with certain described properties...only to discover, upon obtaining it, that it has acquired a wholly different set of properties(making it harmless...or deadly to the possessors)...

[Aramanthus]

I've personally done that to my players before. Of course my players have done things like that right back at me before. Such as using a helmut of alignment change to change a very powerful magic weapons alignment. Can you say oh no.

[taalismn]

Network Omni Newsflash
Dateline: 7/80500/4247364

Dean of Leading UWW Magic Institute Caught in Tapping Scandal; Investigators Suspect Deeper Corruption!
-----Malphasio, Denevebi Sector, Anvil Galaxy. The presiding Dean of one of the United Worlds of Warlock's more prestigious schools of magic, was today indicted for felony crimes, and is facing further investigations of corruption in his office as university dean, following a police raid last Friday 42/42643 night-period.
(Videofeed stock-imagery of a distinguished- and handsome-looking middle aged man with dark hair, friendly face, and immaculate jacket-ensemble appears)
Dean Estesis Morlovan, who was selected to head up the famous Cragmore University of Malphasio as the youngest person yet to hold the position, became well-known for his dynamic leadership of the ancient school of magical knowledge, and for his slogan of 'Pure of Art and Pure of Purpose". That image has been shattered after a police vice raid on the nearby planet of Sikokokas discovered the 55-year old Morlovan in a Dark Coven-run spinal tapping club...
(videofeed of a garishly-lit room, not unlike a strip club, complete with half-naked 'talent' among cliente...only the talent is all barebacked and moving in slow motion...and all seem to have strips of silver bandage running down their spines....The videofeed zeroes in on a tabe pit where a recognizable Dean Morlovan, wearing the same suit as previous picture, is sitting around with several other robed figures, including a Cro demon. The Dean is sucking on a straw stuck in the spinal bandage of a (human)dancer sprawled over the table in front of him. Morlovan seems to be enjoying himself in his monstrous company just before the lights flicker...this is clearly a hidden camera snuck in....and large armored figures start popping up all the room, smacking aside raised power-wands and hands readying spells, slapping wards left and right, and taking people down with means both technological and magical ....Morlovan's experession suddenly turns to shock just before a police officer steps between him and the camera...)
(Cut to a protesting Dean being hussled out of an entry-way into an awaiting police vehicle, amidst flashing lights and general commotion)
Friday night's arrest has come as a shock to Morlovan's colleagues at Cragmore. Assistant Dean Borelec Ztan, before university lawyers advised him to remain quiet, was obviously stunned by the arrest;
(videofeed of a Dwarf in the metallic robes of a Master Technomancer, looking flustered)
"Estesis? In a place like that? It must be a mistake...a doppelganger, mind control, a potion or spell....the man I know would never engage in such activities with such black company! The man's been good for this school and its integrity! "
Ztan's sentiments were echoed by a large number of other faculty members at Cragmore, who pledged their support for their embattled dean.
Other school officials were more reserved and told NON reporters that they would wait for the investigation to be complete before voicing their opinions publicly. Student morale on campus, however, has already taken a nosedive, according to sources, especially after police announced that they were following up on additional evidence seized at the club and at Morlovan's residence, hinting at other signs of malfeasance both on and off-campus that they were interested in.
(videofeed of a building like a gothic-cathedral-turned office tower, with floating police tape and ward sigils around it, and several UWW constables moving boxes of documents and other materials out of a door, while other officers stand guard.)
(Cut to a young dragon----Identified as TOMORON SOULSCRYER--- wearing the sigil-chain of a UWW Peace Commissioner in front of an array of microphones)
"We're re-cehecking Dean Morlovan's background and story for clues...the raid was the result of a prolonged investigation into the Dark Vices trade, and we don't believe that Morlovan's presence that night was a one-shot coincidence...More was going on at that club than some demented entities sucking spinal fluid and torturing innocents....We intend to get to the bottom of this and separate the guilty from the innocent."
Dean Morlovan has been taken into custody and arraigned, but remains in a Malphosian lockup. No official statement has been issued by his legal counsel on how the Dean will plead, and attempts by this network to contact them for information have been ignored.

[taalismn]

You mean that is supposed to be uncommon practice?! Oops!.....

I used to run some games with my regulars. Often they will hear a lot about the item they were looking for, but upon obtaining the object, the rumours are usually less than truthful.

Hmm... what happens when that crystal drops into a reservoir of mana (PPE) potion........

Or, using the virus-analogy...the crystal multiplies?
Incredible windfall, or magic disaster?

[taalismn]

Lawyer: My client, the dean, is a victim of a very vengeful police force. He has been their target since the Commissioner's son was apparently sent to detention every afternoon for the last 6 months. My client was there to entertain his investors after work, what's wrong with that? He was merely posing for a photo. Now if you gentlemen and ladies will excuse me, I've got some dirt to dig up on this most unorthodox raid. can you imagine they did not even have a warrant!

(vidclip)

(A Cro demon being escorted out of a courthouse by several draconoid constables...suddenly he sees the gathered press, and struggles against the officers holding him...)

Cro: "I...I WISH TO MAKE STATEMENT!!!! MORLOVAN! HE IS NO VICTIM! HE IS GUILTY! BECAUSE HE IS ALSO OF THE THIRD CHRONEX OF-...*HRKK!*"

(Suddenly red light begins emerging from all of the demon's orifices as he begins shuddering uncontrollably...then suddenly he bursts into a spray of orange goo soaking his robes and now empty shackles....All the police officers suddenly drop into combat positions, looking for possible attackers, or trying to take cover...pandemonium among the onlookers...)

[taalismn]

Network Omni Newsflash
Dateline: 7/92344/133612

Major Spacecraft Recall Amidst Howls of Incompetent Engineering
----Cylonica, Droas Sector, Thundercloud Galaxy. Newcomer spacecraft builder SissNac Spacial Engineering, which made a splash last quarter with its introduction of a new, more economical FTL drive system, and a major public relations campaign promising 'Faster FTL for Less TGC', today announced a major recall of all its skip-space ships and engines, amidst mounting concerns about the new technology's safety. Outside engineering experts have, for some time, expressed doubts about SissNac's testing of the new technology, touted as an alternative to traditional CG drive systems, and the premature approval of the engines for commercial use. However, today the company admitted that those reports were correct, given an increasing number of reports of anomalous accidents and side-effects associated with the skip-space drive. Especially reports generated from within the company, which had long held that their own company fleet, including the CEO's personal yacht, used the same drives 'without problems or concerns'.
"we may have not quite matched up all the ones and zeroes after the decimel point." squeaked a 3 ft 3 in (formerly 6 ft 8 in) SnissNac CEO Betra CoPatric at the recall announcement. "it's pretty clear that we're going to have to go back to the drawing board and do some rethinking of the skip-space idea before somebody really gets hurt."
CoPatric has pledged that the recall will NOT sound the end of SnissNac Spacial Engineering, and that the problems with their flagship product are only a minor setback, and that the company will bounce back 'bigger than ever'...This, despite several major lawsuits filed against the company, including one by the famous Thundercloud huber-ball champion team, the Thundercloud StellarLeapers, for loss of future income, after the entire team was disqualified from the Galactic Championship for failing to meet the minimum height requirement('They're sending us back to compete in the pee-wee leagues!' moaned team header 'Fuzzy' Dwemer. "How embarassing can it get?!')

[taalismn]

Network Omni Newsflash
Dateline: 7/10500/4247364

Lead Suspect in Deepening University Scandal Dies Under Mysterious Circumstances While In Police Custody!
-----Malphasio, Denevebi Sector, Anvil Galaxy. Only days after his arrest and indictment for participation in a spinal fluid tapping murder club, Cragmore University Dean Estesis Morlovan died in police custody. This comes amidst concerns of a growing scandal within the University, a high-pressure investigation, and the still unexplained and violent public death of a co-defendant also taken in the same arrest sweep.
(Videofeed of the Cro demon exploding into goo on the steps of the courthouse)
Morlovan's death raises even more questions...Network Omni News has learned details of the man's death; though the middle-aged Dean had gone to sleep in his cell perfectly healthy and in defiant spirits, following extensive(but non-violent) interrogation at the hands of police detectives, the next morning his warden found him dead...of old age.
Furthermore, while a spell of some sort was immediately suspected, an early autopsy has shown a more disturbing twist to Cragmore's developing troubles....
An anonymous source within the Medical Examiner's Office observed the following: "It wasn't like Morlovan aged at the behest of a spell...It was more like the ABSENCE of a spell...and crazier is the fact that the old man in Morlovan's clothes didn't look at all like one would expect a person like Morlovan to look like!"
However strange the occurance may have been, the man believed to be Morlovan HAS been tentatively identified as the spitting image, and physicallity, of Tarsod Nailand...a former Dean of Cragmore who was relieved of his position at Cragmore thirty-eight years previous.
(Videofeed of face shots of a young, handsome grinning Morlovan next to a shot of an older gentleman with a much more severe expression, and sinister glint to his eyes....Tarsod Nailand)
Though the University did not release many details at the time of Nailand's refirement from the office of Dean, rumor had it that Nailand was forced to retire amidst allegations of corruption and embezzlement of University resources...Necessitating the installment of a new Dean to oversee a department-by-department reform program, previous to the appointment of Morlovan eight years ago. NON efforts to account for Nailand's whereabouts during that thirty-year time period have so far yielded little of anything.
Though investigators have not yet made an official comment on the discovery of Nailand's deception, a high-placed official in the investigation did confide in NON; "Morlovan's death, Nailand's deception, Kamerhazen's(the Cro) death, and what we're starting to dig out of Cragmore....they can't all be coincidences....and we're moving on all fronts to get to the bottom of this matter..."
Mood on campus continues to worsen amidst the increasing bad news about the scandal..."I haven't seen the school morale so bad since Arachson University beat our gate-ball team and forced us to eat our own school mascot ...but at least they didn't demand human sacrifice....THis whole investigation? It's waking up some wierd ^&*^^(&(---ask any student...those that haven't taken early break, or started moving out to transfer to another school." complained one student; an opinion shared by many we spoke to.

[Aramanthus]

Omni Newroom::: Editor: "Where is Sebac? I need hhim here post hast. We got another breaking story with his sort of twist in it."

News Room Nobody: "He's recovering from what the Prometheans did to him a few weeks ago."

Editor: "I remember he was cubized. I don't really care call him back from sick leave. Call him and tell him he is leaving on a flight immediatly for Cragmore University. It's his story at this time!"

News Room Nobody: "But sir! How is he going to get around his legs are still cuber with the rest of him."

Editor::::Thinks for a second and looks at the flunky!::: You want a promotion Berto? You are going to be Sebac's legs for this story. And if we win some award on it, I'll move you up to copy being."

News Room Nobody::: "Grumbles" quietly as he leaves the New Room.

[taalismn]

Special Public Announcement:

" Although the SissNac engine is an initial space-travel failure, an increased number of orders has been reported at SissNac Spacial Engineering. Apparently a day after the recall, a unspecified buyer has placed an order for all of the recall products. When asked by our reporter, SissNac's board of directors have nothing to add nor understand why the order was made. However, they are just happy, all is not lost."

Somewhere in the Thundercloud Galaxy a meeting of several regal-looking individuals progresses.....

Shadow Figure 1: We will have the order soon. The imbecile do not know why we are purchasing, nor have they asked. They are just too glad to minimise loss.

Shadow Figure 2: Good... Little have they realised that the engine is also a time transporter.

Shadow Figure 3: All our scientific readings have concluded that they have over-tuned their engine, resulting in reversal of physical growth.

Shadow Figure 4: Now we can rule all of time!!

All the individuals started laghing......... MUWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!! **choke**

Update:

Shadow Figure 1: "HAH! Our plan is a success! We now stand here at the cusp of events, having travelled back in time! We shall now use our vast superiority and knowledge to henceforth shape all subsequent events to our advantage and benefitt!"

Shadow Figures 2-3: "Hail the Power Temporal!"

Shadow Figure 4: "What -1- said, ah-huh, ah-huh!"

(Suddenly an enormous boot comes down and stomps the shadow figures into the ground. Actually it's a normal-sized boot, it's just that the shadow figures are a few millimeters tall)

Shadow Figure 1: "erg...."

Shadow Figure 2: "-1-, you bonehead! I thought ypu said the molecular compression compensator was retuned to NEGATE the superdeformed effect! How are we to assert our superiority when we're as impressive as a frackseed!"

Shadow Figure 3: "Ha! Not to worry! Though our stature be diminished, our mass remains almost the same, as well as our resilient forms! As that ignorant lout who just stepped on us has proven, we are as resistant to harm as ever! Though our stature be diminished, our physical presence remains as substantial as ever! We will yet conquer!"

(Suddenly a giant multi-ton building slab comes crashing down on top of them, then permacrete is poured around the slab, part of a massive construction site...)

Shadow Figure 4:(muffled) "...okay...this could pose a problem...I think we left the energy weapons back at the ship..."

[Aramanthus]

Opps! Can you say that shadow council will probably never see the light of daylight again!

[Aramanthus]

LOL

[taalismn]

Update:

(Scene of a stretch of dusty concrete flooring in a dark room...suddenly a small portion of the floor jumps, cracks...a portion of dust lifts..)

Sound: tink...Tink...TINK...CRACK!

(A section of concrete chips up as it is pushed up....to reveal;)

Shadow Figure 1: "FREEE! FREE AT LAST!!!"
Shadow Figue 2: "Maaannnnnn, am I ever happy to breath stale air! And see natural light again! "
Shadow Figure 3: "Well, thanks to our superior life preservation magic and incredible constitutions, we were able to survive being buried alive for...how long was it? I sorta lost track after my watch batteries gave out..."
Shadow Figure 4: "Ah....according to the half-lives of the isotopes in my herka-organ, we were down there about 27,000 ezats-cycles...that translates as ....lemme see....multipy by 1.3..or is it 1.7?....no, nomi, domi, triple flommi...1.63...carry the six...plus nine equals....oh, about 7,000 standard years..."

Shadow Figures 1-3 stare at him.

Shadow Figure 4: "WHAT?? WHAT I DO -THIS TIME?"

Shadow Figure 3: "We went BACK 7,000 years! You mean to tell us we're right back when we started?"

Shadow Figure: 2: "GREAT plan, -1-! We just spent 7,000 years digging our way up through a basement slab, when we were supposed to be conquering the Three Galaxies with the Power Temporal! I oughta kick your zerga-glands up your gigger-chute!"

Shadow Figure 1: "Oh, wizzen up, you blowhard! So we're right back where we started! So what! All we do is get out of here and march over to where we have the other recalled drives in storage, fix the problem, and we go back in time again...our PROPER size this time, and conquer the universe! This is just a little setback! Come on, let's get moving, there's a door over there, and this place looks abandoned!"

Suddenly the room shakes...as the building above...an ancient 600-story mega-scraper....is imploded for dsconstruction.....pulling back we see a sign outside the work area that says(translated)..."FUTURE HOME SITE OF NEUTRONICS COLLAPSED MATTER PAVING AND CONSTRUCTION---HEAVY_DUTY MATERIALS FOR EVER-LASTING GLORY!"

Shadow Figure 4:(muffled)"-1-, how much rent did you pay on the self-storage for those other drives?"

[Aramanthus]

ROFLMAO!!!! I think we havea variation of a new comedy team. The Phase world version of the Marx brothers. Although they are perfect for black and white holos.

[glitterboy2098]

Network Omni News Special Report
-10/10500/4247364
Part 1:

Human announcer- "The three hundred and fiftith Transgalactic Stellar Rally is gearing up for a most impressive run. at last count, four hundred vessels flagged for over three hundred different planets, confederations, and corporations have signed up. signup will continue until one week prior to the start of the race."

Kydian announcer- "How does one have a race with so many different ship types, puny one?"

Human announcer- "well Mobro, this isn't a traditional race. a dozen signal bouys have been scattered across a cube of space one thousand light years on a side, each set to a distinct frequency. at the start of the race, each ship is given the frequency of the first marker. when the ship draws close to the marker, it will transmit the frequency for the next marker."

Kydian announcer- "a most Ingenious solution, for such a puny race."

Human announcer- "the participants will have to search for each marker, and then head for the finish line. the region is filled with plasma storms, blackholes, and all sorts of confusing phenomenon. last year, two hundred and thirty two ships were disabled by natural conditions alone."

Kydian announcer- "Mobro finds the sweet taste of destruction likeable. Continue!

Human announcer- "another two hundred contestants were disabled by their competition. there are no rules, although Warships are still banned from competing after the slaughter of one thirty seven, when the Kreeghor Imperial dreadnaught "Worldkiller" Destroyed half the competitors before the first marker."

Kydian announcer- "Puny competitors should have bought Insurance!"

[Aramanthus]

I think the proper title for the race Glitter is talking about should be "Death Race 10500." And hopefully no one will have any really racers who just can't turn on a dime.


An announcer along the course::::


Announcer:::"There goes Romero! He is burning up space at the highest speed in it. He's approaching the hazards in this section of the course, a black hole. He should be braking now. No, he's just continued into and over the event horizon! Goodbye Romero! Good luck in the next universe!"

[taalismn]

After ionic storms prevented this station from broadcasting last period across the intergalactic gap, we clear the airwaves with...


an Ad!....
(Voiceover)
"Sick and tired of looking sick and tired with the accumulated grit, sweat, and grime of all that intergalactic(and interDIMENSIONAL) travel? Seat-slime stinking you up? Aromatic security detectors mistaking you for a toxic hazard at the spaceport? Feel like you got a planet's worth of dust and dirt on you...and maybe a population of local mites to go with it?
Can't wait to get your hotel cubicle and the dubious sanitation value of its 'fresher? Don't truct the local water? Don't feel like being pawed over by a Bathhouse Waterdevil? Don't like the lack of privacy of a public cleansing house?
Fret and stink no more! Now available at most major spaceports from the THree Galaxy's leading personal hygiene supplier, Kleentec, our new Speedibath Personal HYgiene machines will clean you up and get you on your way in a flash!
(videofeed of an obviously grubby and worn down travelelr standing in front of a wall-sized washing machine-like door, feeding in his cred-stick and pushing a button...suddenly the door-window irises open and the guy gets pulled inside, as cybertentacles begin plucking his clothing from him)
Our patented multi-species compatible scrubbing system automatically reconfigures its chemical, mechanical, and nanotechnological cleaning arsenal to optimal design and regiman for cleaning up even the grubbiest traveller and their gear as quickly and efficiently as possible, for a pittance of the rentals of other companies' 'people cleaners'!
(the window shows flashes of swirling naked limbs, a yelling face, flying brushes, foaming liquid, all churning about at high speed)
All perfectly safe and sanitary, to get you on your way as quickly as possible!
(the door opens to spit out the traveller, now dressed again in his perfactly clean and pressed clothes...he staggers for a moment before another pair of cybertentacles shoot out and steady him, as well as tucking his pens back in his shirt pocket, and sending him on his way...obviously a little discombobulated, but sparkling clean...).
Remember, when you're in a hurry to get cleaned up, look for the blue and white Kleentec logo at your local spaceport, hotel, laundramat, or medical center! Kleentec; we clean up!


(Company Profile: Kleentec is one of the leading manufacturers of public and personal hygiene products... Besides providing cleaning chemcials and water/garbage treatment equipment in bulk, Kleentec is responsible for such wonders as Nanosoap, Maidbots, Garbage-be-Gone Home Nanorecycling Mini-Facs, the ScrubbaBubba Sponge Robot, and the PHMR Kit(Personal Hygiene Micro-Robots---modified versions of the RMK robots, that patrol your body doing the equivalent of a sponge-bath, shave, and nail-cutting), but their flagship product is the SpeediBath booth....a fully automated machine-booth for both home and public spaces that is essentially a washing machine for living beings.....10 credits gets you a 2 minute spin cycle that cleans you up and spits you back out...as well as launders and repairs any clothing(not armor...all it does for armor and other exotic materials is clean them off) you're wearing at the time...for a little extra, the gizmos can be programmed to cut hair, brush teeth, dye skin..and, if you're at home, dress you in your pajamas, and put you to bed...great for the late night work-zombie...
Kleentech's SpeediBaths got a real boost several years ago when a Lurgess suit popped on Arganta Station and contaminated the transport hub...only eight travellers who locked themselves into permanent spin-cycles in the recently installed SpeediBath booths survived, as the machines had indpendent life support and full-spectrum anti-septic cleansiing and filtration systems that both kept outside pathogens out, and scrubbed any that entered away. Kleentec prides itself on producing simple use, affordable, and safe cleaning equipment that in many cases exceeds galactic standards for cleanliness, including decontamination of NBC(Nuclear, Biological, and Chemical) hazards.
Despite the impressive safety record of KleenTec systems, however, many travellers have complained that the cleaning cycle is too fast and enthusiastic, and the AIs running the machines are downright AGGRESSIVE in their desire to spruce up users...some have likened it to an 'antiseptic mugging', and at least one user has accused the machines of sexual assault, at least as far as being stripped buck-naked and cleaned/rubbed down over EVERY square inch of skin....Indeed, the average 10-credit, 2-minute 'fast-scrub' cycle leaves many users who fail to make a save versus ME, feeling dizzy and disorientated(-1d4 to dodge, parry, roll, initiative, and HALF Speed) for 1d6 minutes afterward.
Despite the problems, however, KleenTec has seen a boom in sales to public facilities, industrial facilities, spacecraft, and personal dwellings.
Rumor has it that KleenTec's founder came from an overpopulated human world where he worked as a sanitation engineer, and grew up obsessed with cleanliness and the elimination of foul odors and health-threatening gime, before he managed to leave his homeworld and start up his own company selling powerful sanitation hardware and supplies.)

[taalismn]

[quote="Aramanthus"]I think the proper title for the race Glitter is talking about should be "Death Race 10500." And hopefully no one will have any really racers who just can't turn on a dime.

quote]

Announcer:
"And there goes this year's corporate favorite! ROOODDIIIEEEEROCCCKKKEEETTTTT!!!!!!!!
His customized GlitzGlam SlammaJamma CrotchRocket HYperslipper is the most easily visible ship on the entire course, what with all those commercial logos and other endorsements plastered all over...."

****BLAM***

"His sensor and viewports obviously....well, that was a short run...straight line point-five cee drive into the race course sensor grid array....beautiful vapor cloud there....bet there are some public relations guys fast-mailing their resumes this moment!"

[Aramanthus]

Oppps. Poor Rodie Rocket!

[taalismn]

Oppps. Poor Rodie Rocket!

It was the 'Ultravision Optical---Now You Can See Forever' metal-mesh holo-logo across the forward navigation array that did him in...

[taalismn]

You might also want to consider other categories in the Transgalactic Rally...

Ugliest Starship Contest(subjective, of course....depending on who you ask)

MInimalist Design Competition(design the fastest ship with the least amount of material)

Innovative Design(push the envelope...and risk getting cancelled)

Theme/Humor-(build the ship that makes the competition laugh themselves into defeat)

[Aramanthus]

Those all sound like great contest for Phase World.

[glitterboy2098]

actually, the race is based on the one in The Great Starship Race, a neat TOS era trek novel.

its not really a race, since the fastest ship may not be the best. it's a test of skill and spacemenship. the ability to detect, identify, and locate the beacons amid all the static, distorsions, and false signals is what you have to work on, and the ability to navigate through some of the toughest space imaginable.

the winner is the first to cross the finish line after finding all the beacons. they get your normal trophy and the rights to call themselves the best spacemen in the galaxy.


the restriction on warships was to keep the big nations from overpowering the tramp freighters and the less advanced groups. (you'd still see a few nations try to slip in Q-ships though... )


i based the announcer team on the ones from futurama.

[Aramanthus]

So it's like a rally. A rally for those not familiar is a race to bring your vehicle thru check points at a certain time. You are penalized for being too early or late.

[glitterboy2098]

So it's like a rally. A rally for those not familiar is a race to bring your vehicle thru check points at a certain time. You are penalized for being too early or late.

thus Transgalactic Stellar Rally

except this rally has no set timelimit, just the requirement that you find every checkpoint. the checkpoints are hidden, making the task a challenge.

[glitterboy2098]

So it's like a rally. A rally for those not familiar is a race to bring your vehicle thru check points at a certain time. You are penalized for being too early or late.

thus Transgalactic Stellar Rally

except this rally has no set timelimit, just the requirement that you find every checkpoint. the checkpoints are hidden, making the task a challenge.

Is this anything like that huge space race they had in Outlaw Star where they had that enormous space race through the Heiphong system?

not really, that was a more traditional rally style. the ships were just started in a pattern that evened out the speed disadvantages of the slower ships. (slow ships first, working your way up, with the fastest started last.)


this is more like Amazing race, where you given a clue, and that leads you to another clue, and so on untill you reach the finish line. the slowest team can win if they figure out the clues first.

[taalismn]

WHEN DID THIS THREAD GET 24 PAGES LONG?!

sheer cosmic perversity coupled with its originator's dogged 'what the heck, let's see how far I can continue with dis idea-', daily random brain aneursyms, and a cast of equally demented supporting(and starring) characters/contributers adding fuel to a fire....

It's Phaseworld Meets the Reduced Shakespeare Company(with a much bigger budget for special effects)...

Wanna be a copybeing in the Omni News Network newsroom?
Got an ad you want broadcast across time/space/barriers of common sense?
Got a premonition of some cosmic balance of power altering event, with names and dates?

Post it here!

[taalismn]

So it's like a rally. A rally for those not familiar is a race to bring your vehicle thru check points at a certain time. You are penalized for being too early or late.

thus Transgalactic Stellar Rally

except this rally has no set timelimit, just the requirement that you find every checkpoint. the checkpoints are hidden, making the task a challenge.

Dang...and Fan'Lugash is still in the hospital...looks like he's going to have to sit this one out...

[taalismn]

the restriction on warships was to keep the big nations from overpowering the tramp freighters and the less advanced groups. (you'd still see a few nations try to slip in Q-ships though... )


i based the announcer team on the ones from futurama.

Hmmm.....what about ex-military craft? I imagine that older military craft have to be well-vetted(proof of demobilization/decommision and sale to civilian agency)...This would be akin to all the old P-51 Mustangs, P-38s, and the like that entered the air race circuits after WW2....

As to the announcer team? Classic...

[Aramanthus]

You could use the ex-military vessels. Speed isn't the most necessary thing in a rally.

[Aramanthus]

I'm not going to repeat myself again! I'm not going to repeat myself again! I'm not going to repeat myself again! I'm not going to repeat myself again!

[taalismn]

You could use the ex-military vessels. Speed isn't the most necessary thing in a rally.

Great...that means right off the bat we can enter;

(Announcer's voice)
"And entering from the Edela Cluster, we have the Stick'o'Dynamite---essentially the rear half(engines and bridge area) of a decommissioned Warshield cruiser, severely reduced crew, same shields, and a few weapons for self-defense. It's got the power, it's got the brawn, but will that monster be able to handle the more fine-control demanding portions of the course?

And from the Central Alliance, we have the Steel Solo, captained by Captain Branhardt Eran....an ancient Scorpion light fighter grafted to a new reactor and a CG FTL drive sled, with the life support system mostly stripped out for an interface niche for a full-conversion cyborg, and a 'mystery' black box EW suite. Captain Eran sounds confident he can do it all by himself, but the strains and challenges of the course have unhinged many a man or cyborg in the past, so we'll just have to wait and see!

Arriving at Slip 18, and representing the Zyganian Empire, is Captain Dekker and the Ulta-Underdog...the Zyganians are uncharacteristically flying a shipyard chimaera...A rebuilt TGE Berserker corvette mated to a phase-drive system...That's one expensive combo for Zygania, folks! But will it be worth it?

New this year is the Gallootans, who've bought some serious hardware for the occasion..Look's like Stick'o'Dynamite has some competition in the 'Half-a-Starship' class from the optimistically named Victory Trumpet---a heavily modified Scimitar frigate drive section, with some Bussard Ramjet intakes...looks like the Galloots aren't going to be stopping anywhere for re-mass if they can help it!

The Republik's entrant this year is again long-time favorite, three time second-place finisher, Zebuloid ace pilot Sessek'Khong, flying the latest incarnation of his NE-Firebreather-derived Mosselkhan super-scout fighter, the Quick Vermillion Vulpine.....like all his ships, it's got improved agility and a nav-com/sensor suite that can pinpoint just about every obstacle and rival ship from anywhere on the field...but will it be enough to casrry him across the finish line this year?

And the ships keep coming in!"

[glitterboy2098]

Hmmm.....what about ex-military craft? I imagine that older military craft have to be well-vetted(proof of demobilization/decommision and sale to civilian agency)

as long as it can pass inspection and be certified as civilian level (IE: runner ships at extreme best), it would be legal.

this would include concentration of weapons as well. some of those younger races might have battleship guns that barely scratch the paint of most 3G's ships, but if they have too many of them on one frame they encroach on warship status.

(it's really a GM call situation. weapons doing hundreds of damage or more a shot, or any form of cruise missile pretty much are an automatic 'warship' qualifier. the rest depends on the GM's opinion. the 'average' runner ship from phaseworld book 1 might be a good guide.)

[Aramanthus]

(Announcer's voice) We also have another racer. This one is one of the highly placed non-coms from the Mercenary Fleet The "Spcetral Winds". I believe his rank is Sargeant Major Spector (One of my Characters). He is piloting the first vessel the "Spectral Winds" a heavily modified runner ship. It seems to have been repainted. I see a lot of fire and lightning detailing this all black vessel.

[taalismn]

(Announcer's voice) It seems to have been repainted. I see a lot of fire and lightning detailing this all black vessel.

(videofeed of the racing pit of another competitor...The Silhoutte faction-world the Durans;
"Fire and Lightning detailing!? Only priests of the Order of the Divine Inner Light in Darkness may bear such symbols on their craft! Not this atheistic outsider! That's a deliberate insult to the people of Duran! Such impudence will not go unpunished! Clearly, this race is meant to test our faith as well as our racing skills, and when we cross the finish line, that heretic will be long dust in our drive wake!!!"

[taalismn]

Network Omni Newsflash:

Dateline: 7/157998/452121

Major Toy Recall Following Accidents.
-----Schagla Demets, Alsoa Sector, Corkscrew Galaxy. DynaTot Corporation has just issued a recall of its AmpBall contra-gravity lift ball, following a serious of accidents involving both adolescents and adults. THe company cites a problem with the onboard safety programming parameters meant to control the ball's flight and speed, with the problem cropping on when the ball is accelerated.
(Videofeed of a company spokesman speaking before a crowd of press...behind him and beyond a transparent wall two technicians are tossing a brightly colored soccer-like spheroid about)
"We're sure that it's only a matter of adjustment to the programming of the ball, but we're erring on the side of safety..Fortunately nobody's been seriously hurt yet, but..."
(One technician bats the ball towards the other guy, when the ball sudeenly puts on an unexpected burst of speed and smashes into the other guy's head, knocking him over...the ball bounced back at an angle, gaining speed, then proceedes to begin ricochetting about the lab, sending the other technican scrambling for cover as the wrecking ball begins denting the walls in its pell-mell flight...)
"... better safe than sorry in our business...In the meantime, we'll be offering people who return their Ampballs a free FliBall...our earlier product...and a discount certificate for any of our other proven products..."
(suddenly the ball takes a heading directly straighton behind the spokesman, hitting the transplas wall, punching straight through....the spokesman and his podium get nailed from behind in a perfect Charles Schultz Charlie Brown-undresser line drive that flips the PR being into the air arse over teakettle...then the ball barrels into the gaping press beings, bouncing back and forth like a rogue cannonball, amidst screaming and scrambling...suddenly the video goes blank as all light is eclipsed by the onspeeding logo of DynaTot...)
Following the 'DynatToty Massacre' and the near demolition of their Information Center here on Schagla Demets, DynaTot exceutives have requested the formal assistance of CCW and other locality EOD teams in the recall. If you own a DynaTot AmpBall, you are advised to LEAVE IT ALONE, DO NOT TOUCH IT, and call hypercode 1r t39rtrt361531-zb3125378...DynaTot operators will inform the necessary local safety agencies and call with instructions for proper neutralization and pickup of the product.

[taalismn]

Announcer to the race: "A late entry into the great race is a new unknown human from the CCW. He apparently is an independent contestant who sponsors himself into this game.

In the information he supplied to the race authority, he is only using a manual powered CG-engine! Such engines have no lower or upper limits, restricted only by the very being who manual winds it....... Is this guy nuts?!")

Team Daedalus would be proud...
But in the Jovian Chronicles RPG, they actually did have pedal-powered ion-drive recreational EVA pods....

However, this deserves....

(ad Spot)
(Footage of the pedal-powered egg soaring towards the camera POV...as it comes abreast, the madly pedalling pilot looks into the lens with a cheerily maniacal look that suggests a runner's pain-endorphed-away high;)
"I got my Canawhupass righter here, and my power where I need it!"
(He immediately takes out a blue-red swirled can with a logo of swirling vapor and raging flames on it, and takes a humungous slug from it...there's the suggestion of vapor foaming out of his mouth and smoke shooting from his nostrils, and his eyes light up with an unholy light as he slams thecan to the back of the capsule, grips the handlebars, and crouches forward as his legs begin spinning with manic energy....
The rear end of the capsule seems to GLOW as the whole assemblance gets a 'who-lit-a-firecracker-under-the-cat's-tail?!' burst of speed and zooms off the screen)

(A set of cans...one red, one blue, another green, a combo red/green, another combo blue/green, and a combo red/blue appear on the screen amidst looming waves, a thundercloud, and raging flames)

Voiceover: "For that burst of energy when you need it most---choose the power chosen in prayer by nine out of ten combat athletes, bounty hunters, space marines, and underweight clerical workers in high crime zones---IronFist Breweries' Canawhupass---The distillated power of an Elemental in a can! Original flavor powers Inferno, Tsunami, and Tornado, and try our new combo drinks: FireChill, ThunderWave, and TidalFlame---
Two Great Power-Ups in One Drink!
Savor the Flavor, Savor the Power, Be One with the Elementals Within---Grab a Canawhupass!!!

*Disclaimer: Use Only As Directed---May Cause Occasional Memory Blackouts, Sore Throat, Frequent Bathroom Urges, Lightheadedness, Explosive Belching, Bloating, Criminal Arrest, Property Damage Lawsuits, and Contracts on Your Life.....Drink and Brawl Responsibly....

[taalismn]

LOL! Elemental-In-A-Can energy food supplement...... good one!

Hope to have stats for the stuff, once I work the bugs out...but essentially it's an alcohol-based possession potion(you've heard how people 'aren't themselves' under the influence?) that allows a person to temporarily become one with an Elemental....superstrength, MDC transformation, resistance to certain attacks, limited elemental abilities, etc....only you're also dealing with the Elemental running part of the show, until it gets tired of all this and decides to leave and go home...

IronFist Brewies(specializing in alcohol-based potions) tried an Earth Elemental drink(tentatively named 'Avalanche') but the stuff tasted like a mud milkshake, and the Earth Elementals were less than cooperative being transmitted through a liquid medium(and the process of leaving the host was very painful....leading to a rush on hemmorhoid swaps)...they're now thinking of trying a granola bar with Elemental properties, and are looking to recruit some Faerie Folk to join the IronFist Breweries research team....

Needless to say, Canawhupass is proving VERY popular...and barroom brawlers with any brains at all have learned to look out for whimpy guys hidding cans of it(that, and cans of spinach...)