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Twitch: "Exploding Shot-Putt isn't a sport!?!"

SRoss wrote:Twitch: "Exploding Shot-Putt isn't a sport!?!"

That would be Summer Olympics. Summer's something of an urban myth to Ice Guard, especially the later generations.

"Gentlemen, I would have thought that the experience with the Tirolian Jump Boots would tell you that jetpacks and skis don't mix....at least not with us."
"In our defense, the corporal's skis did put him into an autorotation spin when the jets conked out at altitude, so he didn't hit the ground all THAT fast-"

"Be careful, the Gura have been learning new tricks from the wildlife..."

Toliver: "I'm too tired to deal with this... I'm taking my new body pillow and going to bed..."

"THAT'S NO BODY PILLOW!!!"

Celsia: "Hiii Tol-liv-er..."

"Too late..."

"...I'm really hoping the real reason for our ordeal here isn't just to make sure Tolliver gets laid..."

taalismn wrote:"...I'm really hoping the real reason for our ordeal here isn't just to make sure Tolliver gets laid..."

Nameless Ice Guard Trooper 666: *Wakes up from his coma due to Twitch's *Home Brew Special*, *Groggily* " Wait what?, what day is this? "

Kargan3033 wrote:

taalismn wrote:"...I'm really hoping the real reason for our ordeal here isn't just to make sure Tolliver gets laid..."

Nameless Ice Guard Trooper 666: *Wakes up from his coma due to Twitch's *Home Brew Special*, *Groggily* " Wait what?, what day is this? "

"Blubber Stew Day."
"....I think I'll lapse back into a coma."

"SIR! I'VE FOUND A WAY TO RID YOU OF THE ICEGUARD!!!"

Moran: "How?"

"We strip the EPA of all power, turn it into a corporate puppet. Allow oil and coal burning everywhere..."

Moran: "And!?!"

"Global Warming will do our work for us!!!"

Moran:

SRoss wrote:"SIR! I'VE FOUND A WAY TO RID YOU OF THE ICEGUARD!!!"

Moran: "How?"

"We strip the EPA of all power, turn it into a corporate puppet. Allow oil and coal burning everywhere..."

Moran: "And!?!"

"Global Warming will do our work for us!!!"

Moran:

"Look at it this way, sir...being posted out here on Pluto, we can throw cometary iceballs at Earth all we want..."
"You consider that a PERK?!"

Jones: "So, what's the special sauce this time."

Twitch: "I got some of that red liquid from the sarcophagus they dug up in Egypt."

Ice Guard Troopers:

"Ah, linseed oil! Deadly toxic, combusts easily.....that will zing the tastebuds some, I bet!"
"Alert Code Bile! Repeat, Alert Code Bile! The Mess Sarge has escaped containment and reached the messhall! Emergency response team to the Messhall at once! Alert Code Bile!"

Random IceGuard Trooper #1: "Hey if the food in the cafeteria is inedible, how do we keep from starving?"

Random IceGuard Trooper #2: (Flicking on the Christmas lights) "Tonight we're having Crystal Kraken..."

"Fortunately nobody travels far outside the barracks without a generous emergency supply of norca kibble...pound for pound the most nutritious and stable foodstuff you can pack in the Arctic."*


*I read once of an Alaskan bushpilot and veterinarian(he made cabin calls) who kept a large bag of dry dog kibble under his plane's seat...He reasoned that if he ever went down in the wilderness and wasn't killed immediately, he could survive off the stuff until rescued, because it was stable, nutritious, and better than the massmarket 'survival rations' he could have bought.

taalismn wrote:"Fortunately nobody travels far outside the barracks without a generous emergency supply of norca kibble...pound for pound the most nutritious and stable foodstuff you can pack in the Arctic."*


*I read once of an Alaskan bushpilot and veterinarian(he made cabin calls) who kept a large bag of dry dog kibble under his plane's seat...He reasoned that if he ever went down in the wilderness and wasn't killed immediately, he could survive off the stuff until rescued, because it was stable, nutritious, and better than the massmarket 'survival rations' he could have bought.

Twitch: "Norca Kibble and beer, the breakfast of champions."

Random IceGuard Trooper: "Snap crackle burp, just what we need before disarming old Reflex warheads."

Twitch: "Dis-arming? Ooops."

*Ironically, I remember a survival expert who said, when civilization collapses, while everyone is fighting to loot the grocery stores, you should go out and raid the pet food stores. For pretty much the same reasons you gave above.

SRoss wrote:
*Ironically, I remember a survival expert who said, when civilization collapses, while everyone is fighting to loot the grocery stores, you should go out and raid the pet food stores. For pretty much the same reasons you gave above.

So Purina emerges as THE major food company of the post-Rain Earth?

"Hey, Twitch!"
"What?"
"Guess where we are!"
"Same as we always are, lost in a blizzard, driving in the middle of nowhere."
"No! GPS sez, get this, we're in North Carolina!"
"...like you actually believe that thing? GPS has never worked right for us! Remember last year, we were supposedly in Aspen, Colorado?"
"Yeah, yeah, but it's nice to think we might actually be south of the Arctic Circle!"
"Yeah, it is...."
(meanwhile, outside, two North Carolina State Troopers are looking in surprise at the gray, white, and blue APC trundling past them on the snow-covered highway).

taalismn wrote:"Hey, Twitch!"
"What?"
"Guess where we are!"
"Same as we always are, lost in a blizzard, driving in the middle of nowhere."
"No! GPS sez, get this, we're in North Carolina!"
"...like you actually believe that thing? GPS has never worked right for us! Remember last year, we were supposedly in Aspen, Colorado?"
"Yeah, yeah, but it's nice to think we might actually be south of the Arctic Circle!"
"Yeah, it is...."
(meanwhile, outside, two North Carolina State Troopers are looking in surprise at the gray, white, and blue APC trundling past them on the snow-covered highway).

(Back at base...)
"What's this watery snow?"
"I think they call that rain sir."

SRoss wrote:[

(Back at base...)
"What's this watery snow?"
"I think they call that rain sir."

"Great, we trade away all those pool floats, and then they hit us with global warming....."

taalismn wrote:

SRoss wrote:[

(Back at base...)
"What's this watery snow?"
"I think they call that rain sir."

"Great, we trade away all those pool floats, and then they hit us with global warming....."

Captain Morgan: (Yelling from the Conning Tower) "WHO BE LAUGHING NOW!?!"

"So...are we going ent-hunting again this year?"
"You mean going looking for a Christmas Tree? Yes, we are, only we're doing it at the Genesis Pit again."
"Lemme get my rocket-powered chainsaw launcher then."

taalismn wrote:"So...are we going ent-hunting again this year?"
"You mean going looking for a Christmas Tree? Yes, we are, only we're doing it at the Genesis Pit again."
"Lemme get my rocket-powered chainsaw launcher then."

" I'll get my Kitten Armour on."

Yeah, 'Killer Pine' is just another walk in the woods for Ice Guard.

In an age of cutting-edge Robotechnology, an age of Reason, an age of Pragmatism, there’s still a place for superstition. That rings especially of Earth, post-Rain Earth, the Haunted Earth. Even in the eyes and manner of the most experienced, weather, practical of veterans, you can see a hint of an uncertainty, a fear, of the unknown they cannot explain. Newer generations may scoff, but if they watch and listen long enough, they’ll be witness to those old-timers murmur of -things that shouldn’t be-. Things that give them pause.
Especially amongst the hardbitten lifers of the Cold Weather Offense Squad. Those men and women who have endured nature’s fury like no others. Those who have sat watch on the long glaring days and the long dark nights. Soldiers who will walk into the teeth of a feeding gale in white-out conditions. Even insulated by the best equipment robotechnology can produce and the best training centuries of military practice can inculcate, there are things the core of the CWOS, in their heart of hearts, -fear-.
Only occasionally will these hardened men of the cold places take some younger trooper, of an open mind, close under their wing, and, in voice part-instruction, part-warning, part-trembling, and part-confession, tell of secrets that leave weaker hearts stuttering and weaker minds broken.
They will speak of the Ice Guard.

"The Twitch, it come for you, they find you in many -tiny- pieces...."

"Old Man Jones, they say he sold his soul to the Cold. That if you ever hear the wind whisper your name. Cold Man Jones is coming to draft you into his Army of the Ice, where your soul is frozen and can't escape, and your body's a zombie, roaming the frozen ice cap..."

"Ice Guard's heralds are the Yuki-onna, the Snow Maidens, that steal men's heat when they breath on you...."

"When the storms blow out of the deepest arctic night, it's Ice Guard on the move! Keep your heaters close and your guard up! You'll want to keep your engines warm, to make a quick getaway when they come!"


"Strange...looks like those guys left in a hurry...food on the stove's still warm.....wonder what spooked them?"
"Hey, if they're abandoning all their stuff like this...can't let it all go to waste."