It happens every year. Between October and early January, the Palladium Haters and our harshest critics disappear. Why?
Because you can’t beat up Santa Claus without looking bad.
That’s the time period we sell the Christmas Surprise Package, and its hard to slam a person or a company that is shipping out $75-$100 worth of product for $35 (About $40 or so with shipping). It’s hard to slam the Publisher and staff when they are taking the time to sign books and do other nice things for its fan base at Christmas time. But when the Grab Bags end, it’s Open Season on Palladium and the snipers come out in force.
I also realize that people tend to read more into the words and actions of a celebrity than others. Like it or not, the Palladium crew and I are celebrities in the role-playing game business, and our words carry more weight. Unfortunately, people also sometimes read more into them than intended.
I probably shouldn’t be writing this, but sometimes a guy has to say what’s on his mind.
Recently, me and few other Palladium targets have been catching some heat from the Palladium naysayers. One hot subject of castigation revolves around the delay and rescheduling of Dyval in favor of getting Robotech® done first. Inevitably, this somehow leads to questions about my competence running Palladium, innuendo that I’m a terrible business person, and/or that I don’t care about our fans, as well as a bunch of other armchair quarterback nonsense.
Back in the 1990s, I think it was Ryan Dancy of WoTC who dubbed me “The Machine.” It was a compliment, because he was commenting on Palladium’s and my ability to knock out one high quality product after another . . . like a “machine.”
As much as I have enjoyed being called “The Machine,” the thing is, I’m not one. Maryann even made T-shirts one Gen Con with the words, "The Machine" on them as a fun, inside joke.
Unfortunately, I'm all too human. Things get to me. I have human emotions and frailties, and I’m affected by the people and events around me. A lot has happened over the last few years: Divorce, my son’s battle with drug dependency, the industry decline, the Crisis of Treachery, deaths in the family, and Erick Wujcik’s battle with cancer. These and many other things have had a profound impact on me. The struggle to keep Palladium going has been a Herculean task. The long hours, the emotional toll . . . but I press on as best I can. Everyone at Palladium does so The Palladium crew have all put in a heroic effort despite their own personal crises. Alex’s beloved father died. Wayne’s Grandfather (who was more like Dad to him) died, Julius had to file bankruptcy, Kathy's sister died, Hank's sister died, and a whole lot more on top of everything else going on at Palladium Books. The last five years have seemed to be a trial by fire. Thankfully, we feel like we’ve come out of it all stronger and better for it, but it has been rough ride.
I’m not looking for sympathy or trying to make excuses, I’m just letting you know what has gone down and why we have had some trouble getting out product from time to time. Why all us may be a little burnt out lately. After all, the Haters and our harshest critics keep asking why, why, why? Well, here’s WHY?
You want to know how hard it is to write a book. Ask Josh Hilden or Joshua Sanford. They just spent the last 7-8 months writing Dead Reign, Palladium’s upcoming zombie RPG. Two guys spent 7-8 months writing one book. Writing is not so easy. Not if you care about the work and strive to make it the best it can be. Ask any of Palladium's freelancers.
Palladium Books cannot make the easy fixes so many other naysayers suggest, because there are no such thing. We can’t hire more people, magically come out with more books, upgrade this or that. Why? Because we don’t have the MONEY. What part of that don’t people get? Palladium was on the verge of closing its doors! We are lucky to be alive. I continue to pump in every last nickel I have to keep the company going when cash is tight. I have sold off two-thirds of my personal collection, borrowed money up to my neck and work my tail off every single day. When I announced the Crisis of Treachery in April 2006, an enormous number of Palladium fans and friends came to our aid buying product and spreading the word when we needed it most. They were awesome, and helped to lift us out of impending financial death as well as raise our spirits and gave us the strength to press on against all odds. It all helped immensely, but it was only part of the struggle. The battle goes on. Our resources are limited. We still have debt. We are doing EVERYTHING we can to get strong and healthy, and we ARE making tremendous headway. But it’s a process. It takes time, creativity and hard work.
Palladium has won many recent battles, but the war is not over. Things look pretty good (especially compared to where we were), we have a lot of people pulling for us, and Palladium's future is very promising, but we aren’t on easy street. There are many demands on us, and much remaining that we must do to keep Palladium going and getting stronger. We are doing that the best we can.
Hey, it is very much my fault Dyval has been delayed and rescheduled. I’m stalled on the book. It happens sometime. Not to me very often, I’m The Machine, remember, but it does happen, and it has happened with Dyval. I don’t know if I wrote more than 10 pages or edited/rewrote more than 30 pages in the entire month of December. I apologize and I’m trying to work through it by putting Dyval aside and doing Robotech® to recharge my batteries on something different. We’re not a big corporation with 20 writers who could take over the Dyval project, or choose to just bang out something to make do. Not when by rescheduling the book we can make it everything Carl and I imagine it to be. Meanwhile, me and the guys have been working like crazy on a lot of other stuff and putting in long, even brutal hours even through the holiday season.
Part of my slump was Erick. (Sorry Erick.) Imagine getting news that one of the people you love most in the world has 6 weeks to live. The news comes out of the blue. It comes after a year in which several friends and family members (and even a couple of loved pets) passed way. It comes at Christmas time and New Year's. It’s happening to a young person who has always taken care of himself. Has always been strong and vital. Has always been a close part of your life for nearly 30 years. The news was crushing. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think about Erick 20 times. I love that guy like a brother. I will miss him. I don’t want him to suffer. And I’m powerless to help him in any way, except by being his friend. Which I know is plenty, but . . . you know how it is.
Erick and I are kindred spirits. We can make each other laugh or get each other going on excitedly about some stupid idea in about five seconds, and talk about it for an hour and half. Yesterday, Monday, was a busy, hellish day for me fraught with deadline pressures and unwanted business issues. I was cranky. I yelled at the guys over the littlest thing, apologized and pressed on, feeling like the weight of world was on my shoulders. Among everything else, we have cash flow problems because of lack of new product, and my time still seems to be getting stolen away from writing by other demands. Erick shows up early to check his email and take a nap before the Gateway podcast. In five minutes we’re both laughing and talking a million miles a minute about all kinds of things. When Erick asks what time it is, we realize what seemed like five or ten minutes has been 40 minutes. My blues and frustration disappeared the moment Erick and I started to talk. We talk and laugh our way through a wonderful 2 hour and 15 minute live podcast for Gateway to the Megaverse® (available for download). My day ends positve and happy.
(Btw Matthew, I forgot to tell you I really like the new musical opening to the podcast. Good work.)
That’s the way it has always been with Erick and I. We are kindred spirits who make each other smile and fire each other up with a rapid-fire exchange of ideas. We’re instantly on the same page and thinking and talking at the same speed. We challenge and complement each other.
I have since come to terms with Erick’s illness and mortality. I had a blast at his birthday party and was honored to be the toastmaster for the event. It was thrilling to see so many friends from across the years gathered to celebrate Erick's birthday and friendship. I’ll write more about that in a separate Murmur or press release. I’m happy for everyone that the chemo-therapy is helping Erick a great deal and I pray he stays well. It has already prolonged his life and his prospects. I’m sorry I let my feelings get in the way of my work, but I’m human. I hope you can understand.
Along those lines, I was startled to learn on the podcast, that some people were put-off and offended by a Press Release I wrote a few weeks ago. The one where I talked about doing a commemorative collection of hardcover books as a limited edition series commemorating Erick Wujcik’s body of RPG works. It seems some folks felt it was ghoulish, exploitive and in bad taste. Some also thought my attitude seemed a bit flip.
The funny thing is, it was ENTIRELY Erick’s idea. Ironically, he also loved the press release when he read it, and he even called me to tell me so.
In the podcast, Erick sprang to answer the allegation, stating exactly that. It was his idea, that I was quoting him when I wrote something like, “and we should charge a lot of money for them because Erick is worth it.” Erick want’s me to do it, and if you, our fans, want such a collection of TMNT, Amber and other books Erick has written over the years, we’ll do the special, limited edition series. Erick went on to say that he needs to be able laugh and joke about his condition. That he calls himself “Cancer Boy,” because, well, he is.
I guess that’s another way Erick and I are kindred spirits. We try to deal with what life throws our way in as positive a way as possible. We don’t cry and wallow in self-pity. “Oh, poor me. Boo hoo. I give up.” No. We try to make the best of it. We try to focus on the positive, on the good things, and we fight. We may not always win all our fights, but we give the fight our all.
That mentality leads me to, generally, ignore the mudslinging, insults and unfair criticisms often thrown my direction. I try to present the positive, hopefulness and fun things we are working on at Palladium or planning for in the future. Hey, the problems, the cash flow issues, the personal stuff is stuff we have to deal with -- you don’t need to hear about it. Bits and pieces sure, but the grizzly details, nah. This isn’t a soap opera (though it sure feels like it sometimes). It is what it is. We deal with it as best we can, and try not to burden YOU, our fans, with the negative, our fears, woes, sorrows, or personal problems. What's the point? We want your spirits to soar, because they make our spirits soar. Positive action, thoughts and dreams are what keeps a person going. It gives us hope and gives us wings to fly. I’m not suggesting we wear rose colored glasses and forgot our troubles, that’s a recipe for disaster, but I’m saying positive thinking is the key.
When Palladium was down, I didn’t quit, I came up with a plan, rallied the troops and shouted in defiance: “If we work hard and work together, we can do this!” And we did. We are. Erick has done the same thing. He could have curled up in a ball, said what’s the use, and waited to die. And he’d likely be dead right now if he had done that! Instead, he contacted friends and experts, asked how can he fight this, chose to get chemo-therapy, looked at the positive (which ain’t easy under the circumstance) and is fighting back! He's enjoying what time he has to the fullest and is beating the odds. He has, on many occasions now, attributed the success of the chemo-treatments to his positive attitude, and how the love, prayers and inspiring words from so many people posting on the erickwujcik.com blog has helped him to keep his spirits high. It’s good for Erick and for the many, many friends struggling with their own emotions. Do not underestimate the power of love and positive thinking.
I’m not saying not to voice your disappointments and frustrations, that's what I'm doing right now! But I am saying don't lose yourself to anger and hate. Especially over a role-playing game company. Don’t tear down. Try to be part of the solution, not add to the problem. The very nature of hate and intolerance is the inability to empathize with the object of your disdain or ire. You see, you cannot hate if you understand and feel compassion by trying to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. It's true.
These past couple of months, I have made time to be there for friends. For Erick and the many people impacted by his illness, and for other friends in trouble. One was going through a divorce, two others are struggling with sons battling the demon of substance abuse. I know the pain and sorrow of that plight, and took time out to offer what, I hope, were words of comfort and some helpful suggestions. People have to come first. They’ve always come first for me, and always will. If that means delays or changes in Palladium’s schedule, so be it. I hope you understand. Maybe to some folks, that makes me a bad business person? But you now what, I really don’t care.
Two more observations. I can’t help noticing that many of Palladium’s most brutal and condemning critics don’t honestly know spit about this business or writing. Most have never written a book and don’t know the first thing about how hard it is to write a quality, fun product that entertians and sells, let alone the workings of the business. Yep, it's easy to look in from the outside and say, “if it were up to me, I would do X, Y and Z differently.” But the reality is, it isn’t that easy, and if it was, I would be doing it. Heck, everyone would.
I also can’t help noticing that some of these same folks HATE IT when the people who DO know something on the subject, speak up about it. I find it painfully amusing that many of these outspoken critics whine to me in Private Messages or protests and complain online or to Admin NMI or on other websites when someone who knows what it’s like to write a book, like Carl Gleba, Jason Richards or Brandon Aten, respond.
They take offense at their words or attitude, and protest their impassioned and knowledgeable responses. They really scream if one of the Palladium freelancers takes a strong stance or flat out tell them they are mistaken, wrong, or don’t know what they are talking about. My personal favorite complaint from the outspoken complainers is: “Your freelancer was unprofessional.” Why, because he offered back a strong opinion? Because he told you it like it is? Because he made you feel bad or laughed at your wild conjecture? You know what, I say bravo to those freelancers. We are all tired of taking the insults and garbage, and we’re not going to sit quiet anymore.
There was recently “an issue” online, because NMI and a few fans, decided to rub it in the face of the Palladium naysayers who prolifically contributed to last year’s RPGnet.com thread, “Palladium Books Dead by 2008.” The bottomline was that they enjoyed pointing out that Palladium was still alive. It was a little childish, and I asked NMI and other Palladium fans not stir up trouble or hard feelings. I played down similar sentiments when Matthew Daye asked me what I had to say to that thread on my first podcast interview of 2008 on Gateway to the Megaverse®. But you know what, the Dead by 2008 was something like 80 or more pages of vitriol and nastiness, so I can certainly understand why some Palladium fans would want to say, “Hey, it is 2008 and Palladium Books is alive! Nah, nah duh nah nah.” I understand that. What I don’t understand is why the folks who said such terrible things in that thread don’t understand it, or why such a response should make them upset or angry. I think you’d have to expect that kind of knee jerk, human response. Heck, if Palladium “had” gone out of business, you can bet your bottom dollar there would have been a thread like, “Hah, Told You Palladium Books would be Dead by 2008. And Good Riddance.”
Sadly, the haters and provocateurs have succeeded in quieting many of the voices at Palladium. Jason Richards, Carl Gleba, Jason Marker, Jeffry Scott Hanson, Carmen Bellaire, Alex Marciniszyn, Brandon Aten and others have stopped voicing their opinions and comments as often, because they don’t want to cause turmoil or contribute to a flame war. I have gotten emails or have had conversations with many of those people telling me they feel bad that speaking their mind has evoked more nasty criticism from those who don’t really want to hear the truth.
Gentlemen, you have nothing to apologize for, and your silence is a loss to the many fans who would like to hear from you. Yes, we should be respectful and professional. Yes, we should try to avoid namecalling and pettiness even toward people who rankle our nerves, but do NOT let them silence your voices or squash your enthusiasm. Be proud of your work.
Sheesh, this Murmur has gone really long, so I’m going to stop venting now. I guess I’m writing this to get things off my chest. It is a Murmur after all, and I’m the Murmurer.
I’m also writing so that those of you who hear the twisted conjecture, half-baked criticism, untrue innuendo, and other junk, understand what's really going on and our thoughts and feelings behind it. I want you to have a clear picture of things. To that end, please know we are working hard to get Palladium strong. That we hope to get a lot of new product out this year. That I’m back in the saddle writing Robotech® and will return to Dyval when I’m done. That we are not cold, machines, but human. Maybe too human. And that sometimes, humanity and human frailty gets in the way of schedules and book releases. All Palladium is trying to do is produce darn good games that (at least) some people enjoy.
Maybe it’s unnecessary for most of you, but I felt the feelings expressed in this Murmur needed to be said. Not just for me, but for everyone at Palladium and those who play and enjoy our games.
Life is not as simple as, just hire another writer or editor. Licensing deals and other business don’t get talked about out over lunch and finalized with a smile and a handshake, they take weeks, months and sometimes years. Sometimes it's all worthwhile and other times its may lead to nothing or fall short. There are no magic bullets. The secret of success is caring, creativity, perseverance and a lot of hard work.
Sorry if I ranted too much. I guess, maybe things have been building up in me for a while now. I promise my other Murmurs will be fun and upbeat.
Sincerely,
Kevin Siembieda
Publisher, Writer, Artist and Human Being
© Copyright January 29,2008 Palladium Books Inc. All rights reserved.
Rifts®, The Rifter®, RECON®, Splicers®, Palladium Books®, Phase World®, The Palladium Fantasy Role-Playing Game®, Megaverse®, Nightbane®, The Mechanoids®, The Mechanoid Invasion®, Coalition Wars® and After the Bomb® are Registered Trademarks of Palladium Books Inc. Heroes Unlimited, Beyond the Supernatural, and other published book titles, names, slogans and likenesses are trademarks of Palladium Books Inc., and Kevin Siembieda.
Robotech® and Robotech® The Shadow Chronicles® are Registered Trademarks of Harmony Gold USA, Inc.