Fall of House DeLong part six

[boxee]

Hi guys had a hard time writing this and doing it justice. Please tell me what you think.


Janni could not be happier her lover had a good day captured enough
supplies to last their tribe months, but so much better were the slaves.
The girl she was whipping had the most beautiful porcelain white skin she
had ever seen. Rafiq loved Janni the only woman he found to have a taste
for inflicting pain that rivaled his own.

The raid had been on a caravan passing through the wastelands, very few
guards it was as if Kali herself had sent him a blessing. He had long ago
started worshiping her as the god she was, he adorned himself in skulls.
Sent her offerings, tying corpses to poles left out in the sun. Whole
companies of her robot minions would just walk past his tribe as long as
the sacrifices flowed. Never in his life had he seen the resistance so
weak as today, and tonight they celebrated.

Elsewhere in the middle of the night a host armor black as night dropped
to the ground. It folded its majestic black feathered wings back and
looked around. It had been a slaughter, torn bodies everywhere men woman
and children none were spared. It was a dark day for House DeLong, and he
would know vengeance. Mordread knew this was the work of waste crawlers
they left their own behind to rot in the sun.

Four outriders on striders darted out of the nearby woods to join their
commander. Mordread could feel their woe at seeing the dead. He motioned
them to be silent and scanned the area, nothing showed up but he could
feel his scout was here.

"Show yourself and report Sara.". From nowhere a tiny succubus seemed to
materialize from thin air. She stretched and dragged her clawed feet across
the ground, Mordred thought she was very catlike whenever he saw her do
that. They called her kind gremlins Mordred really didn't care he found
them to be effective spies.

"My lord the caravan was attacked by vultures about eight hours ago.".

"Do you know where they are and did they capture any of our people?"

Mordred already knew Sara would have tracked them and would know all the
details, he did not know why she played these games.

"Of course I know where they are, they took six of our House one boy and
five women. They are being tortured and will likely be killed, I saw many
human skulls adorning their base of operation. Their tribe is in a chasm
that has caves where they live. It is about five miles to the west, deeper
into the wastes.". Sara talked quietly and with a honeyed tongue.

Near dawn Rafiq awoke to a wet warm sensation in the bed next to him. He
turned the oil lamp next to his bed brighter. What he saw enraged him,
Janni had been gutted like a fish, her blood still warm. The girl she had
been whipping was no longer tied to the post in his room. As he sounded
the alarm he could hear his men fighting. He rushed to get his armor on
and grabbed his weapons a massive beheading axe and a bore rifle.

Rafiq got out of his cave and saw his men all dead, a massive black host
armor with ravens wings was holding his dying brother by the throat. He
raised the rifle and felt a weight knock him off his feet. A tiny demon
woman kicked the rifle away and lept into the air on bats wings.

He squared off against the raven winged host armor. It slowly closed with
him stepping over the body of the boy his tribe took that day. Rafiq knew
this was the boys people taking revenge. He fought the raven winged one
almost seeming to hold his own, realizing he was being toyed with. One
misstep and he felt his guts spill out onto the ground.

Mordread was sated of his vengeance. His men took what supplies they could
carry and managed to save three of the women of his house. The rest was
piled in the center of the camp and set aflame. The heads of Rafiq and
Janni on pikes at the enterance to the chasm.

[boxee]

Nobody is replying, sad. Was going to post the characters from the House DeLong stories not so sure now.

[Razorwing]

You might want to go back and edit your first post a bit to make it a little easier to read. Practically every line is separated into its own paragraph... even if it isn't a full sentence. This may not be as bad as a wall of text where there is no separations at all... but I'm afraid it isn't any easier to read.

[boxee]

You might want to go back and edit your first post a bit to make it a little easier to read. Practically every line is separated into its own paragraph... even if it isn't a full sentence. This may not be as bad as a wall of text where there is no separations at all... but I'm afraid it isn't any easier to read.

I did not purposely do that, but I will try to fix it. Thank you for replying and pointing this out to me.
For some strange reason the spaces are not showing up at the start of each paragraph, I tried to fix it but it just keeps removing them.
I guess I will have to put a blank line between the paragraphs.

Please let me know if it looks any better. I am afraid I am not a great writer, any pointers would be great.

[Razorwing]

It looks a lot better and is much easier to read now. You may want to check the punctuation of your sentences though, some of them don't read as well as they could. Overall though, it is a rather interesting story. Writing, like any art form, takes a lot of practice to become great at.

[SittingBull]

Nice mid-story hook. I would read more.

[boxee]

viewtopic.php?f=46&t=148231

For the rest of the story, please take a look!